Humor Selections for April 21st, 2006

     My Little Sister's Jokes > Recent Addition List

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A guy walks into a bar and approaches the barman, "Can I have a pint of Less, please?"

"I'm sorry sir," the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, "I've not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?"

"I've no idea," replies the guy, "The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less."

One time when I was home visiting my folks, my mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risqué picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.

"Mom, what's this?" I asked.

"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to over-eat," she answered.

"Is it working?" I asked.

"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"

I stopped at a fast food restaurant recently. I was fascinated by a sign which offered Fat Free French Fries. I decided to give them a try. I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a basket of fries from the fryer which were dripping with fat. He filled a bag with these fries and put them in my order.

"Just a minute!" I said. 'Those aren't fat free."

"Yes, they are. We only charge for the potatoes.... The fat is free!"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Ambrose Bierce was one of the greatest wits the world has ever produced.

He was born on 24 June, 1842, in Meigs County, Ohio. One of his most famous publications is The Devil's dictionary. Here, for Easter, is just one entry.

Decalogue, n. A series of commandments, ten in number - just enough to permit intelligent selection for the observance, but not enough to embarrass the choice. Following is a revised edition of the Decalogue, calculated for this meridian.

Thou shalt no God but me adore:
'Twere too expensive to have more.

No images or idols make
For Robert Ingersoll to break.

Take not God's name in vain; select
A time when it will have effect.

Work not the Sabbath days at all,
But go and see the teams play ball.

Honour thy parents. That creates
For life insurance lower rates.

Kill not, abet not those who kill.
Thou shalt not pay thy butcher's bill.

Kiss not thy neighbour's wife, unless
Thine own thy neighbour doth caress.

Don't steal; thou'll never thus compete
Successfully in business. Cheat.

Bear not false witness - that is low -
But 'hear 'tis rumoured so and so.'

Covet thou nought that thou hast not
By hook or crook, or somehow, got.

Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia

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A guy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him ...

... and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The guy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the guy took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The guy said, "Look I'm a software engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Learn Another Language ... Download Video

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More Amazing sidewalk drawings, Take 4

Submitted by Jay, Glen Cove, Long Island

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April 19th Humor Page