|An Australian Love Poem (Who said Australian men weren't romantic?)
Of course I love ya darling
You're a bloody top notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought u was as good as
I Was ever gonna get
No matter wot u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And fetch another beer!
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
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Un-Categorizable Jokes, My Little
|The history of WD-40
When you read the "shower door" part, try it. It's the first thing that has cleaned that spotty shower door. If yours is plastic, it works just as well as glass. It's a miracle! Then try it on your stovetop... Viola! It's now shinier than it's ever been. You'll
The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts. WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company. Its name comes from the project that was to find a "W ater Displacement"
compound. They were successful with the Fortieth formulation, thus WD-40 .
The Corvair Company bought it in bulk to protect their Atlas missile parts. The workers were so pleased with the product they began smuggling (also known as "shrinkage" or "stealing") it out to use at home.
The executives decided there might be a consumer market for it and put it in aerosol cans. The rest is history. It is a carefully guarded recipe known only to four people. One of them is the "brew master." There are about 2.5 million gallons of the stuff manufactured
each year. It gets its distinctive smell from a fragrance that is added to the brew. Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you.
Here are a few of the 1000s of uses:
- Protects silver from tarnishing
- Cleans and lubricates guitar strings
- Gets oil spots off concrete driveways
- Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making it slippery
- Keeps flies! off cows
- Restores and cleans chalkboards
- Removes lipstick stains
- Loosens stubborn zippers
- Untangles jewelry chains
- Removes stains from stainless steel sinks
- Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill
- Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing
- Removes tomato stains from clothing
- Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots
- Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors
- Keeps scissors working smoothly
- Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes
- Gives a children's play gym slide a shine for a super fast slide
- Lubricates gear shift and mower - deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowers
- Rids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises
- Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open
- Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close
- Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards and vinyl bumpers
- Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles
- Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans
- Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons and bicycles for easy handling
- Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly
- Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools
- Removes splattered grease on stove
- Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging
- Lubricates prosthetic limbs
- Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell)
- Removes all traces of duct tape
- I have even heard of folks spraying it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pain.
- Florida's favorite use was "cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpers
- The favorite use in the state of New York
- WD-40 protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements.
- WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a LITTLE on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no time. It's a lot cheaper than the chemical attractants that are made for just that purpo! se. Keep in mind though, using some chemical laced baits or lures for
fishing are not allowed in some states.
- Keeps away chiggers on the kids
- Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately, and stops the itch.
- WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray on the mark and wipe with a clean rag.
- Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and re-wash. Presto! Lipstick is gone!
- If you sprayed WD-40 on the distributor cap, it would displace the moisture and allow the car to start. (If I knew what a distributor cap was, it might help)
- WD-40, long known for its ability to remove leftover tape smunges (sticky label tape), is also a lovely perfume and air freshener! Sprayed liberally on every hinge in the house, it leaves that distinctive clean fresh scent for up to two days!
- Seriously though, it re! moves black scuff marks from the kitchen floor! Use WD-40 for those nasty tar and scuff marks on flooring. It doesn't seem to harm the finish and you won't have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off. Just remember to open some windows if
you have a lot of marks.
- Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly! Use WD-40!
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
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|Recent Quips from Late Night Take 5
"We estimate that there are perhaps 20,000 prehistoric hunter-gatherers frozen up in those glaciers. Now, if they simply thaw and wander around,
it's not a problem, but if they find a leader -- a Captain Caveman, if you will -- we'll be facing an even more serious problem." --Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, on the dangers of global warming
"The president's mother, Barbara Bush, donated tax deductible money to the Katrina Relief. ... Now we find out the specific instructions -- that the money be spent for educational software owned by her son, Neil. Because who can forget those tragic images of the poor
black people on the rooftops in New Orleans holding up signs that said, 'Send educational software.'" --Bill Maher
"Did you hear about this? According to a recent poll, three out of five Americans believe George W. Bush should be impeached. And when he heard that, the president said, 'Cool, I love peaches.'" --David Letterman
"President Bush's approval ratings have taken somewhat of a dive. A senior slump, if you will. Leading President Bush to one conclusion: He is the only one who realizes what a great job he's being doing." --Jon Stewart
"Today is also the third anniversary of the Iraq war. So far so good! Whatever happened to that mission accomplished thing? I think now the only way to get rid of the Iraq war is to put it on NBC."
"[Bush] is committed to one thing, he's going to disarm Iran, he's going to disarm Korea, and he's going to disarm Cheney." --David Letterman
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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More Amazing sidewalk drawings, Take 3
Submitted by Jay, Glen
Cove, Long Island
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April 17th Humor Page