Humor Selections for April 17th, 2006

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Think You Know Everything?
  • The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
  • The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
  • The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
  • The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
  • The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
  • The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
  • There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
  • There are more chickens than people in the world.
  • There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
  • There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.
  • Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
  • TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
  • Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
  • Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
  • Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

.............Now you know everything

Submitted by Pastor Faye, Littlestown, Pa.

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Letter to My Animals

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not mean it becomes your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm and disrespect.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or stick your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. I have been using the bathroom for years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Always Complain About Our Pets

  1. They live here. You don't.
  2. If you don't want hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture )
  3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
  4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and does not speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they: eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

Submitted by Aunt Pat, Smith Lake, Va.

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Do you may remember the old Catskill comics of Vaudeville days ...

..., viz., Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Dodie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, Myron Cohen and others? Don't you miss their humor? Not one single swear word in their comedy. Well here are some of their best stories:

  • There was a beautiful young woman banging on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.
  • A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
  • I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
  • I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
  • What are three words any woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"
  • Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
  • We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
  • My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
  • My wife and I went to hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
  • The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
  • The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
  • Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!! " Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
  • A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
  • Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant! ?" The doctor says, "The usual way. A little wine, a little dinner, you know?"
  • Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"
  • A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."
  • A bum asked a fellow, "Give me $10 till payday." The fellow responded, "When's payday?" The bum said, "I don't know! You're the one that's working!"

Submitted by Bill of The Willys, Gettysburg, Pa.

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As an animal welfare inspector was about to enter a shop to buy lunch ...

... he noticed a parked car with two penguins sitting on the back seat. They looked to be in good health, but this was totally illegal, so when he went into the shop he asked who owned the car outside.

"I do," said a young man.

"Listen, son," Said the inspector, "You've got two penguins in the back of your car. That's right, isn't it?"

"Well, yeah, I found them wandering along the foreshore an hour ago. What's wrong with that?"

"Well, it's illegal, and dangerous for them. I'm an inspector, and I could book you on the spot, but as you didn't know about them I'll give you a chance if you promise to take them to the zoo immediately. They know how to look after them. OK?"

"Sure, I'll do it now. Didn't know they were protected, though."

He drove off, but the following day the inspector saw the same car in the same spot. Being a bit suspicious he went to investigate. Sure enough the penguins were still in the back, but this time they were wearing sunglasses. Storming into the shop he grabbed the young man by the arm and said "OK, you young idiot, you're under arrest. I told you to take them to the zoo yesterday, but they're still in the back of your car. You're booked."

"Look, mister," he replied, "they had such a good time at the zoo I reckoned I'd take then to the beach today. What's wrong with that?"

Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia

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More Amazing sidewalk drawings, Take 2

Submitted by Jay, Glen Cove, Long Island

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April 14th Humor Page