Humor Selections for April 14th, 2006

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A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other.

Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.  After the purchase, they drove it home and parked in on the street between their establishments. A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing.

"I'm blessing it," the priest replied.

The rabbi considered this a moment, then said, "Oh," and ran back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, ran to the back of the car and cut off the last two inches of the tailpipe.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Zen for those who take life too seriously
  • I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.
  • I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
  • Honk if you love peace and quiet.
  • Remember, half the people you know are below average.
  • He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  • The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
  • Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
  • Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
  • Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
  • Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
  • Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
  • If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
  • How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
  • How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
  • If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
  • When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
  • Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
  • Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just do not have film.
  • If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  • How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels do not get sucked into jet engines.
  • What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  • I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
  • I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
  • Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  • Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
  • Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Recent Quips from Late Night Take 4

"Immigration was the big issue of the week. Bush was in Cancun promoting his new video, 'Foreign Policy Gone Wild.'" --Bill Maher

"President Bush was greeted by protestors wearing President Bush masks. The president was overheard saying, 'I don't know who those people are, but their faces look familiar.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Saturday is April Fool's Day and President Bush ... has a great April Fool's joke planned. He's going to put out that old 'Mission Accomplished' banner." --David Letterman

"President Bush is back from his Mexican trip. While he was in Mexico, the people were very nice to him. A lot of people greeted him with the only English phrases they knew: 'Welcome to Wal-Mart. Can I help you?'" --Jay Leno

"It's absolutely workable. Just think about Elian Gonzalez, how easy that was. Now just times that by 11 million." --Jon Stewart, on deporting illegal immigrants

"In a speech yesterday, President Bush told the Iraqi people to 'get governin'. Then he introduced his new speech writer, Larry the Cable Guy." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush is in Cancun, the only president I know that takes Spring Break." --David Letterman

"The biggest surprise of the election: it was the lowest voter turnout ever. A dismal 63.2%. That's the lowest turn-out they've ever had. You know we shouldn't be bringing democracy to the Middle East, they should be bringing it to us" --Jon Stewart, on the Israeli election

"Andrew Card has spent the last five years managing the Bush White House as the ratings have steadily declined. Given that experience, today he was hired by NBC." --Jay Leno

"Here now a list of requirements for Dick Cheney's 'downtime suite': He wants bottled water. He wants decaffeinated coffee. He wants an ice bucket. He wants ammo. ... Cheney wants bottled water, decaffeinated coffee. He wants his lights on. He wants the temperature at 68 degrees, the TV's must be tuned to Fox news. I was thinking, 'My God, I wish they would have put this much preparation into the Iraqi War'" --David Letterman

"Remember last week when Jessica Simpson declined to meet President Bush? She now says they have plans to sit down together and talk face-to-face. President Bush talking to Jessica Simpson? That should be a real no-brainer." --Jay Leno

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Australia Department of Health's notice regarding the spread of bird flu ... Open Document

Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia

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If capitalism was applied to Fire & Rescue service ... Download Video

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More Amazing sidewalk drawings, Take 1

Submitted by Bill, Gettysburg, Pa.

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April 12th Humor Page