Humor Selections for September 21st, 2005

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Thinking of dating or marrying a horsewoman? Please read the following carefully:
  • Easy to Locate: She's either off on the horse or out in the barn.
  • Upholds the double standard: Smooches with the most bewhiskered beast, but recoils when a man needs a shave.
  • Owns one vacuum cleaner - and operates it exclusively in the barn.
  • A social butterfly: Provided another horsey woman gives the party. Falls asleep in her soup at all other functions.
  • Economy minded: Won't waste money on permanents, facials, or manicures.
  • A culinary perfectionist: Checks every section of hay for mold but doesn't blink when she petrifies dinner in the microwave.
  • Occasionally amorous: But never leaves lipstick on your collar, at worst, slight trace of chapstick.
  • Easy to outfit: No need for embarrassing visits to uncomfortable little boutiques. She can find all she wears at the local tack store.
  • Features a selective sense of smell: Bitterly complains about the sticky-sweet cigar smoke of others while remaining totally oblivious to the almost visible aroma of her barn boots drying next to the heater.
  • Unmistakable in a bathing suit: She's the one whose tan starts at the nose, ends at the neck, and picks up again at the wrists
  • A dedicated club woman: as long as the words "horse" or "riding" appear in its name.
  • Has your leisure at heart: Eliminates grass cutting by turning every square inch of lawn into pasture which, in turn, converts itself into mud.
  • A master at multiplication: She starts with one horse, adds a companion, and if it's a mare, she breeds it.
  • Keeps an eagle eye on the budget: Easily justifies spending six hundred dollars on tack, but croaks when you blow ten on bowling.
  • An engaging conversationalist: Can rattle on endlessly about training or breeding.
  • Socially aware: Knows that formal occasions call for clean boots.
  • A moving force in the family: House by house, she'll get you to move closer to horse country (and farther away from your job.)
  • Easy to please: A new wheelbarrow, custom boots, or even a folding hoof pick will win her heart forever.
  • Sentimental fool: Displays a minimum of six 8x10 color photos of the horse in the house and carries a crumpled snapshot of you (taken before you were married) somewhere in the bottom of her purse.
  • Shows her affection in unusual ways: If she pats you on the neck and says, "You're a good boy," believe it or not, she loves you.

Submitted by Ferrier Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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A Spanish teacher was explaining that in Spanish nouns are either masculine or feminine.
  • "House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.''
  • ''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: "el lapiz.''

A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?''

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the feminine gender (''la computadora''), because:

  • No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
  • The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
  • Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval;
  • As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (''el computador''), because:

  • In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
  • They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
  • They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem;
  • As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

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Sometime the best beer, is a root beer ... Download Video

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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