Humor Selections for October 24th, 2005

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How Not To Attract Beach Babes!

Bubba was trying hard to attract the girls on the beach, but just couldn't make it with of them, so he heads over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice for him.

"Dude, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them baggy old swimming trunks that make you look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Spandex Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' you'll have all the babes you want!"

The following weekend, Bubba hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato ~ and it's worse than before! Everybody on the beach acts disgusted as he walks by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!

So Bubba goes back to the lifeguard again and asks him "What's wrong now?"

"Grab a brain, man!" says the lifeguard "The potato goes in front!"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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How many members of your astrological sign does it take to Change A Light Bulb?
  • Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it?
  • Taurus: One, but just "try" to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
  • Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done - they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!
  • Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.
  • Leo: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo to do the job for them while they're out.
  • Virgo: Approximately 1.0000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.
  • Libra: Er, two. Or maybe one. No - on second thought, make that two. Is that okay with you?
  • Scorpio: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.
  • Sagittarius: The sun is shining, the day is young and we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid light bulb?
  • Capricorn: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
  • Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so...
  • Pisces: Lightbulb? What lightbulb?

Submitted by John, Emmitsburg, Md.

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The old priest was dying and asked for a mortician and his Lawyer to come to the hospital.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the priest held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. He grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the mortician and the lawyer were touched and flattered that the old priest would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because he had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Father, why did you ask the two of us to come here?"

The old priest mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "I have modeled my life on Jesus. He died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."

Submitted by Kip, Fairfield, Pa.

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When Cloning goes bad ...Take 3


Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.

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