Humor Selections for November 30, 2005

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A doctor set up a one man practice in a small country town.

After a few days of getting to know the people and hiring a nurse, he dropped into the local pub for a drink about 6 one evening. He was greeted warmly by the publican, who he told he would like to come in each day after surgery just to unwind, one drink, read the paper, go home.

"Absolutely," said the owner. "See that table there? From 6 each day until you leave its yours. Perhaps you'd care to stay for a home cooked dinner as well?"

The doctor agreed this sounded like a good idea. "What do you drink?" he was asked.

"Well, it's a bit unusual," replied the doctor, "but I like almond daiquiris."

"Hum," said the barman, "can't do that today, but could we start tomorrow?"

So that was agreed, and every week day for the next two weeks the doctor got his drink, his meal, the paper, and some relaxation. Just before six one day the barman realized he had forgotten to order more almond essence, and scoured the kitchen to find some - but to no avail. All he found was an old bottle of hickory essence they had used on a Christmas ham; not wanting to disappoint the doc, he thought this might do instead, so added some to the spirit and presented it to his well regarded customer.

The doctor took one sip, spluttered, and said, "What the heck is this!"

"That'" replied the barman with a grin, "is a hickory daiquiri, doc."

Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia.

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More random thoughts from someone a tad bit tired of idiots in today's world ...
  • Stop giving me that pop-up ad for! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
  • Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
  • Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
  • There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
  • Stop messing around with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
  • The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the ass ordering it. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge azzhole.
  • Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
  • I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
  • If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
  • No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
  • When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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Inner-city catholic elementary school tests kids were asked questions ...

... about the old and new testaments. The following statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched nor corrected ie: incorrect spelling has been left in

  • In the first book of the bible, Genesis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.
  • Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark And the animals came on in pears.
  • Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night. *
  • The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
  • Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.
  • Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.
  • Moses led the Jews to the Red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
  • The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Mises went up to mount cyanide to get The ten commandments.
  • The first commandment was when eve told Adam to eat the apple.
  • The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
  • Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
  • The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
  • David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people Who lived in biblical times.
  • Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
  • When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
  • When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.
  • Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
  • St. john the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
  • Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained A man doth not live by sweat alone.
  • It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
  • The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
  • The Epistles were the wives of the apostles.
  • One of the Opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
  • St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marriage.
  • Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, PA.

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Photo of the sun setting on the surface of the Earth taken from the Space Station

Nov 28th Humor Page