• Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
  Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
  Customer: Yeah.... Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
  Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....
  Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!

• Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
  Female customer: A white one...

• Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
  Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
  Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
  Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
  Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk...sorry....

• Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen.
  Customer: Your left or my left?

• Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
  Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
  Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
  Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, damn it!

• Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

• Customer: I have problems printing in red...
  Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
  Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

• Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am? 
  Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
   
• Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. 
  Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? 
  Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer. 
  Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. 
  Customer: OK
  Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you? 
  Customer: Yes 
  Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? 
  Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work
   
• Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
   
• Customer: I can't get on the Internet. 
  Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password? 
  Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. 
  Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was? 
  Customer: Five stars.
   
• Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use? 
  Customer: Netscape.
  Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program. 
  Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
   
• Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
   
• Tech support: How may I help you? 
  Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.  
  Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem? 
  Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
   
• A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
  Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
  Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."

And last but not least:....

• Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
  Customer: I don't have a P.
  Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
  Customer: What do you mean?
  Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
  Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

• If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the stick back -- then they get bigger again)
• Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.
• It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.
• The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.
• Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.
• It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.
• The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
• Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great' landing. It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.
• The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
• Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
• You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi.
• Those who hoot with the owls by night should not fly with the eagles by day.
• A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down - all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.
• Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
• Trust your captain .... but keep your seat belt securely fastened.
• Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment.
• Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.
• There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
• The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a captain.
• Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.
• It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.
• A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.
• Remember, you're always a student in an airplane.
• Keep looking around; there's always something you've missed.
• Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.
• You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
• There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!
• Gravity never loses -- the best you can hope for is a draw!
• You start out flying with a bag of luck and a bag of experience, the trick is to get your bag of experience full before your bag of luck is empty.

Here is a little test that will help you decide. Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans and Southern Republicans? The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.  What do you do?

Democrat's Answer:

• Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
• Does the man look poor or oppressed?
• Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
• Could we run away?
• What does my wife think?
• What about the kids?
• Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
• What does the law say about this situation!?
• Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
• Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
• Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
• Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
• If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
• Should I call 9-1-1?
• Why is this street so deserted?
• We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
• This is all so confusing! ! I need to debate this with some ! friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

Republican's Answer: BANG!

Southern Republican's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....(sounds of reloading). BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

• You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation, under God."
• You might be a redneck if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.
• You might be a redneck if: You still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival."
• You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when someone prays.
• You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.
• You might be a redneck if: You treat Viet Nam vets with great respect, and always have.
• You might be a redneck if: You've never burned an American flag.
• You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.
• You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.
• You might be a redneck if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend.