Humor Selections for November 11, 2005

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Real Computer Tech Support Calls ...
  • Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
    Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
    Customer: Yeah.... Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
    Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....
    Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
  • Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
    Female customer: A white one...
  • Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
    Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
    Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
    Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
    Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk...sorry....
  • Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen.
    Customer: Your left or my left?
  • Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
    Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
    Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
    Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, damn it!
  • Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
  • Customer: I have problems printing in red...
    Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
    Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
  • Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am? 
    Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
  • Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. 
    Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? 
    Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer. 
    Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. 
    Customer: OK
    Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you? 
    Customer: Yes 
    Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? 
    Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work
  • Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
  • Customer: I can't get on the Internet. 
    Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password? 
    Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. 
    Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was? 
    Customer: Five stars.
  • Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use? 
    Customer: Netscape.
    Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program. 
    Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
  • Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
  • Tech support: How may I help you? 
    Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.  
    Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem? 
    Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
  • A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
    Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
    Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."

And last but not least:....

  • Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
    Customer: I don't have a P.
    Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
    Customer: What do you mean?
    Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
    Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, PA.

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More Aviator's words of wisdom
  • If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the stick back -- then they get bigger again)
  • Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.
  • It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.
  • The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.
  • Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.
  • It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.
  • The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
  • Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great' landing. It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.
  • The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
  • Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
  • You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi.
  • Those who hoot with the owls by night should not fly with the eagles by day.
  • A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down - all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.
  • Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
  • Trust your captain .... but keep your seat belt securely fastened.
  • Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment.
  • Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.
  • There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
  • The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a captain.
  • Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.
  • It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.
  • A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.
  • Remember, you're always a student in an airplane.
  • Keep looking around; there's always something you've missed.
  • Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.
  • You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
  • There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!
  • Gravity never loses -- the best you can hope for is a draw!
  • You start out flying with a bag of luck and a bag of experience, the trick is to get your bag of experience full before your bag of luck is empty.

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Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southern Republican?

Here is a little test that will help you decide. Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans and Southern Republicans? The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.  What do you do?

Democrat's Answer:

  • Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
  • Does the man look poor or oppressed?
  • Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
  • Could we run away?
  • What does my wife think?
  • What about the kids?
  • Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
  • What does the law say about this situation!?
  • Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
  • Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
  • Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
  • Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
  • If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
  • Should I call 9-1-1?
  • Why is this street so deserted?
  • We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
  • This is all so confusing! ! I need to debate this with some ! friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

Republican's Answer: BANG!

Southern Republican's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....(sounds of reloading). BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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The positive values of rednecks ...

We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country and God. If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit -- that's what rednecks are made of. I hope I am one of those.

  • You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation, under God."
  • You might be a redneck if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.
  • You might be a redneck if: You still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival."
  • You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when someone prays.
  • You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.
  • You might be a redneck if: You treat Viet Nam vets with great respect, and always have.
  • You might be a redneck if: You've never burned an American flag.
  • You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.
  • You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.
  • You might be a redneck if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend.

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.

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Nov 9th Humor Page