Sitting on the
side of the highway a
Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself "This
driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on
his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices
that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three
in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused,
says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing
exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer
replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that
driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to
"Slower than the speed
limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty two
miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer,
trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22"
was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman
grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is
everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and
they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the
"Oh, they'll be alright in
a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
Submitted by Dave, Bolder,
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About Aging, My Little
Back in the time of the Samurai there was a
powerful emperor . . .
. . . who needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a
declaration throughout the country that he was searching for
one. A year passed and only 3 people showed up: a Japanese
Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.
The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and
demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai
opened a match box and out pops a little fly. Whoosh goes his
sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces. The
emperor exclaimed: "That is very impressive!"
The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and
demonstrate. The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box and out
pops a fly. Whoosh whoosh goes his sword. The fly drops dead on
the ground in 4 pieces. The emperor exclaimed: "That is
really very impressive!"
The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he
should be the head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a
match box and out pops a fly. His flashing sword goes
whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh
whoooooooosshhh whoooooooossshhh. A gust of wind fills the room,
but the fly is still alive and buzzing around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, asks: "After all of
that, why is the fly not dead?"
The Jewish Samurai smiled, "Well, circumcision is not
intended to kill......"
Submitted By Larry, Walkersville, Md.
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Things you can't say with a hallmark card (but sometimes you wish you could)
- "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
- "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
- "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you."
- "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am thatyou're not here to ruin it for me."
- "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
- "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
- "Thanks for being a part of my life! I never knew what evil was before this!"
- "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
- "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
- "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
- "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
- "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday, so we're having you put to sleep."
- "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
- "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
- "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."
- "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!
- "Congratulations on getting Married! It's not every day you decide to ruin your life!"
- "I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected. While I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly."
- "Sex with you is like using drugs. Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it."
- "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
- "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
- "We have been friends for a very long time. What say we call it quits?"
- "If you didn't have any money, I'd still love you. And miss you very much."
- "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Virginia)
Submitted by Jamie, Crofton, Md.
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I'm not sure exactly how it works, but this is amazingly accurate.
The photo on the next page has 2 almost identical dolphins in it.. It was used in a case study on stress level at St. Mary's Hospital. Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored, scientific study of a group
revealed that in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical; a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. If there are many differences found between both dolphins, it means that the person is experiencing a great amount of stress. Look at the photograph and if
you find more than one or two differences you may want to take a vacation.
Click here to see photo
Submitted by Bill, Narberth, PA.
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May 6th Humor Page