Humor Additions for May 27th 2005

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 Dilbert's Laws of Work
  • If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
  • A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
  • Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
  • It doesn't matter what you do. It only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
  • After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
  • You can go anywhere if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
  • When bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
  • If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
  • There will always be beer cans on the floor of your car when your boss asks for a ride home from the office.
  • Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
  • Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of happy hour.
  • To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
  • Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
  • Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
  • If you are good, you will be assigned all of the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
  • You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. Like reading this.
  • People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
  • If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
  • At work, the authority of the person is inversely proportional to the number of pens the person is carrying.
  • When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
  • Following the rules will not get the job done.
  • Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
  • When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
  • No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
  • The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

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A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.

He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.

"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

And the old man enjoyed peace.

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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Ramblings from Dave
  • Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.
  • If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
  • The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
  • The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
  • To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.
  • Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? and belly button rings.
  • Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.
  • Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
  • Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
  • After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

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He doesn't mind the slow speed, but he hates it when it backfires ...

Funny Jokes Pictures of Horse Pulling Car Wagon

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May 25th Humor Page