Humor Additions for March 9th 2005

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The Military today and in 1945

1945- NCO's had a typewriter on their desks for doing daily reports.
2005- Everyone has a laptop for Internet access computer, a cellphone and they wonder why no work is getting done.

1945- They painted pictures of girls on airplanes to remind us of home.
2005- They put the real thing in the cockpit.

1945 - If you got drunk off duty your buddies would take you back to the barracks to sleep it off.
2005 - If you get drunk they slap you in rehab and ruin your career.

1945- You were taught to aim at your enemy and shoot him.
2005- You spray 500 bullets into the brush, don't hit anything, and retreat because you're out of ammo. Then attend a tramatic related session so you can cope with what you did.

1945- Canteens were made of steel, and you could heat coffee or hot chocolate in them.
2005- Canteens are made of plastic, you can't heat anything in them, and the water always tastes like plastic.

1945- Officers were professional soldiers first and they commanded respect.
2005- Officers are politicians first and beg not to be given a wedgie by an irate underling.

1945- They collected intelligence on the enemy and analyzed it.
2005- They collect your pee and analyze it.

1945- If you didn't act right, the Sergeant Major put you in the brig until you straightened up.
2005- If you don't act right, they start a paper trail that follows you forever.

1945- medals were awarded to heroes for heroic deeds that saved lives at the risk of their own.
2005- medals are awarded to people who work at headquarters and make their bosses look good.

1945- You slept in barracks like a soldier.
2005- You sleep in a dormitory like a college kid.

1945- You ate in a mess hall, which was free, and you could have all the food you wanted.
2005- You eat in a dining facility, every slice of bread or pad of butter costs, and you better not take too much.

1945 - If you wanted to relax, you went to the rec. center, played pool, smoked, and drank beer.
2005- You go to the community center and you can play pool.

1945- If you wanted beer and conversation you went to the NCO or Officers' Club.
2005- There is no NCO club.

1945- The Exchange had bargains for soldiers who didn't make much money.
2005- You can get better merchandise for less at Walmart.

1945- We could recognize the enemy by their Nazi helmets.
2005- We are wearing helmets that look just like theirs, unless they're terrorists.

1945- We called the enemy names like "Krauts" and "Japs" because we didn't like them.
2005- We call the enemy the "opposing force" or "aggressor" because we don't want to offend them.

1945- Victory was declared when the enemy was defeated and all his things were broken.
2005- Victory is declared when the enemy says he is sorry.

1945- A commander would put his butt on the line to protect his people.
2005- A commander will put his people on the line to protect his butt.

1945- Wars were planned and run by generals with lots of important victories.
2005- Wars are planned by politicians with lots of equivocating.

1945- We were fighting for freedom, and the country was committed to winning.
2005- We don't know what we're fighting for, and the government is committed to social programs (used to be called 'socialism').

1945- All you could think about was getting out and becoming a civilian again.
2005- All you can think about is getting out (to use the college fund) and becoming a civilian again. (Unless you joined the social experiment called the new politically correct military.)

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, MD.

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Boudreaux had a bad vehicle accident, caused by a truck.

In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Boudreaux.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine," asked the lawyer?

Boudreaux responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the . . . . "

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question?

Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!"?

Boudreaux said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road . . "

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.

Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client.

I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Boudreaux's answer and said to the lawyer,

"I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".

Boudreaux thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.

I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans."

"Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene.

He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.

After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, and looked at me, and said 'How are you feeling?'"

"Now what the hell would you say!?"

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.

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Photos that make you say "Holy Cow ..." Take 4

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March 7th Humor Page