Humor Additions for July 6th 2005

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An Old Farmer's Advice:
  • Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
  • Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
  • Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
  • A bumble bee is considerably faster than a tractor.
  • Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
  • Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
  • Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
  • Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
  • It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
  • You cannot unsay a cruel word.
  • Every path has a few puddles.
  • When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
  • The best sermons are lived, not preached.
  • Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
  • Don't judge folks by their relatives.
  • Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
  • Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
  • Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
  • Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
  • If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
  • Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
  • The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
  • Always drink upstream from the herd.
  • Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
  • Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
  • If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
  • Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God/the Goddess.

Submitted by Vicki, Downingtown, PA.

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There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years.

They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents.

"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls.

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A doctor, a priest and a lawyer go out golfing, one day.

They play the first hole and get ready to tee off for the second hole. They look down the fairway and the group ahead of them is still out there. They wait for the foursome to finish the hole, and then play the hole.

When they get to the tee box for the third hole, the foursome is again still on the fairway. Irritated, they wait and wait, and finally the foursome finishes the hole. Now they can play the third hole.

When they get to the tee box at the fourth hole, sure enough, the foursome is still in the fairway. The anger level rises even more as they have to wait almost twenty minutes for the foursome to finish the hole.

As they finish playing the fourth hole, one of the foursome approaches them and apologizes, "I'm sorry we are taking so long, and holding you guys up. You see, one of our guys is blind, and it takes a little while for us to help him as he plays."

The priest immediately softens his demeanor and says, "Bless you guys for caring so much for your friend that you would help him do something that he loves to do."

The doctor, likewise chimes in, "This is wonderful that a man with such a disability would even attempt such a challenging endeavor."

The lawyer says, "Hell, he could have played at night!!"

Submitted by Tim, Nashville, TN

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Just in case your were thinking fondly of last winter ...

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, PA

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