Humor Additions for July 18th 2005

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A billionaire was in Germany and heard about the most efficient production line ever.

He made an appointment with the owner to visit the plant and was duly shown over the sparkling enterprise. He was absolutely amazed, for although it was totally automated, there was only one employee - yet the plant turned out truckloads of high-tech equipment every day. He asked the owner how this could be, and was told that he, the owner, did the purchasing and finances, but the Hans Gruber, the only worker, was so good and efficient that the whole enterprise was a goldmine.

This the Texan had to have. He'd be the envy of everyone, and would get even richer. He negotiated with the owner who did not want to sell his Cash Cow, but finally he persuaded him to part with it for two billion. A quick run through the way things were run, the markets - including the US military - and he was ready to go.

The following day he watched, fascinated, as Hans ran from section to section through the brightly lit plant tending machines, filling hoppers, stacking goods, and never taking a break. "Ah", thought the new owner, "If only we could achieve this back home. We just don't want to work like this."

The following day he realized that the place might be efficient, but that there was room for even more savings. Hans spent long hours in various sections, and the amount of electricity used to illuminate the rest of the factory was wasted. He began switching off sections of lighting until they were needed, and for a while this worked - but by the end of the day only half the expected production had been achieved. Fearing he'd been the victim of a German confidence scam, he rang the guy he'd bought it from, spluttering and furious.

The former owner quickly appeared, threw his hands in the air, shook his head in disbelief, and said "No, no, you must turn back on the lamps. Many lights makes Hans work!"

Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia

... and if you don't get ... like I didn't ... its a pun on the old saying ... 'Many hands make light work'

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Here are some of the U.S. statistics for the Year 1905:
  • The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.
  • Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.
  • Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
  • A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
  • There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles of paved roads.
  • The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
  • Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California.
  • With a mere 1.4 million people, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.
  • The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!
  • The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents per hour.
  • The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
  • A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year,
  • a dentist $2,500 per year,
  • a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and
  • a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
  • More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at home.
  • Ninety percent of all U.S. doctors had no college education.
  • Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."
  • Sugar cost four cents a pound.
  • Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
  • Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
  • Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
  • Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.
  • Five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:
    1. Pneumonia and influenza
    2. Tuberculosis
    3. Diarrhea
    4. Heart disease
    5.  Stroke
  • The American flag had 45 stars.
  • Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
  • The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!!!
  • Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea hadn't been invented yet.
  • There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
  • Two out of every 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write.
  • Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
  • Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacist said, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." (Shocking!)
  • Eighteen percent of households in the U.S. had at least one full-time servant or domestic help.
  • There were about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.

And I forwarded this from someone else without typing it myself, and sent it to you in a matter of seconds! Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.

It staggers the mind.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, MD.

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How Ronald Reagan saw things ...
  • Here's my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose."
  • "The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help."
  • "The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant: It's just that they know so much that isn't so."
  • "Of the four wars in my lifetime none came about because the U.S. was too strong."
  • "I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress."
  • "The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination."
  • "Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other."
  • "If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under."
  • "The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program."
  • "I've laid down the law, though, to everyone from now on about anything that happens: no matter what time it is, wake me, even if it's in the middle of a Cabinet meeting."
  • "It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first."
  • "Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it."
  • "Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book."
  • "No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women.

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, PA.

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If you need a new BBQ grill here is a deal for you!

  • Multi-rack design
  • Stain resistant
  • Adjustable flame
  • Stainless steel grill

The best part??? 


Submitted by Peter, Calgary, Alberta, Canada

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