Humor Additions for July 11th 2005

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Office work dull? None of your colleagues appreciate your humor?

Amuse yourself. Points are awarded on a degree of difficulty basis. You can award yourself extra points for creative execution.

One Point Gags

  • Run one lap around the office at top speed
  • Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other 'no Player' must be in the bathroom at the time)
  • Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
  • Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye"
  • To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
  • When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
  • Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way"
  • Walk sideways to the photocopier.
  • While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

Three Point Gags

  • Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
  • Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it"
  • Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice)
  • Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).

Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

Five Point Gags

  • At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
  • Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
  • For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.
  • Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".
  • After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
  • While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
  • In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and utter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"
  • At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again".
  • In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
  • Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
  • Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
  • Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."
  • Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
  • Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
  • Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
  • Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
  • Rollerblade around the floor throwing sweets.

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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A woman was walking along thebeach  when she stumbled upon a genie's lamp.

She picked it up and rubbed it. Lo-and-behold a genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope. Due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So, what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East.

See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

The woman thought for a minute. She said, "Well, I've been trying to find the right husband. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, has a great sense of humor and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time

and is faithful. That's what I wish for. A good mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that map again.

Submitted by Mary Ann, Gettysburg, PA.

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The Blonde Year In Review
  • January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
  • February - Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn't fit into the typewriter.
  • March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because the box said "2-4 years."
  • April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
  • May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.
  • June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
  • July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms.
  • August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top was down.
  • September - When asked what the capital of California was answered "C."
  • October - Hates M &M's because they are so hard to peel.
  • November - Baked a turkey for 4 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 120.
  • December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone button.

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Hot tubbing' Saskatchewan style ...

Peter, Calgary, Alberta, Canada

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July 6th Humor Page