Jake and Saul are two old retired widowers who reside
close to each other ...
... and do constant welfare checks on each other.
of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real
friendship or personal affection.
One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Saul opens the morning
paper and turns to the Obits page.
He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the
column. He realizes that the query for info on him by the local
newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event.
He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database, premature and erroneous.
It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Jake up. "Jake,
are you up yet?"
Jake sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my
"Jake. open the newspaper to page 31."
"Why, what's in the paper?"
"Jake, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!"
"Ok, Ok, I've got the paper here, so what's in page 31?"
"Jake, open the paper to page 31 already!"
"All right, don't be such a pain in the butt so early in the
morning already. So, what's on page 31 that's so important?"
"Jake, look at the bottom of column 4."
"Why? What's that story on?"
"Jake, read the story on the bottom of the column
"OK, OK, I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling in
The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause
Finally, Jake comes on the line quietly and fearfully, "So
Saul, where are you calling me from right now?"
Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
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About Aging, My Little
A new pastor
moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his
All went well until he came to
one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came
to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he
took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20"
and stuck it in the door.
The next day, as he was
counting the offering, he found his card in the collection
plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis
You all are probably laughing
now, but since I skipped too many religious classes: Revelation
3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any
man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him,
and will dine with him, and he with me."
Genesis 3:10 reads: "And
he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid,
because I was naked."
Submitted by Jamie, Crofton,
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Jokes, My Little
More insights on life from
- "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four
Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your
three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you." - Rita Mae Brown
- "Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying,
but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?" - Lily Tomlin
- "I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking
up something else." - Lily Tomlin
- "Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always
say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On
fire?" - Marsha Warfield
- "Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an
idiot, and anybody going faster than you is a maniac?" - George Carlin
- "I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for
marriage They've experienced pain and bought jewelry." - Rita Rudner
- "I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no
pain." - Carol Leifer
- "Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to
the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger.
Next morning buy it back for seventy five cents." - William Coronel
Submitted by Kate, San Francisco,
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of Humorous Sayings, My Little
Jesus was wandering
around Jerusalem when he decided he really needed a new robe.
After looking around, he saw a sign
for "Finkelstein, the Tailor".
He went in and Finkelstein prepared a
new robe for him, which was a perfect fit. When he asked how much he
owed, Finkelstein brushed him off.
"No, no, no, for the Son of God?
There's no charge. However, may I ask a small favor? Maybe whenever
you give a sermon you could just mention a little something about how
your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein the Tailor".
Jesus readily agreed and, as
promised, plugged Finkelstein's robes every time he preached. Some
months later, Jesus was walking through Jerusalem and happened by
Finkelstein's shop. There was a huge line of people waiting for
Finkelstein's robes. He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to
"Jesus! Jesus!! Look what a
marvel you've been for business!" gushed Finkelstein. "Would
you consider a partnership?"
"Sure, sure," replies
Jesus. "Jesus & Finkelstein it is."
"Oh, no, no," says
Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus. After all, I am the
The two of them debated this for some
time. Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful.
Finally, they came up with a mutually acceptable compromise. A few
days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop...
"LORD & TAYLOR"
Submitted by John, Upton, Long
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