Humor Additions for January 3rd 2005

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A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other.

Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied.

The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Mattel has recently announced the release of the Limited-Edition Barbies

Beverly Hills Barbie: This princess Barbie comes with an assortment of Kate Spade bags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired dog named Honey and a 3,500 s/f cookie cutter house on a 5,000 s/f lot. Available with or without a tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the "augmented" version.

Soccer Mom Barbie: This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with numerous makes of minivans and matching health club outfits. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation. Traffic jamming cellular telephone is included, headset sold separately.

Porn Barbie: This recently paroled formed "porn actress" Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows and a methlab kit. This model is available after dark and can only be paid for with cash, preferably in small untraceable bills.

Yuppie Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of a BMW convertible or a Hummer H2. Included are her own private Starbucks cup and credit cards. Also available with this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

NASCAR Barbie: This pale model comes with her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt and Tweetie bird tattoo on her shoulder. She also comes with a six pack of Budweiser beer and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over five feet and can kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

Redneck Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brasy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gut Ken out of Fontana Barbie's Discovery townhouse. Her ensemble includes low rise acid washed jeans, fake fingernails and see through halter top. Also available with a 20 year old motor home and a fish boat on a trailer to park outside her townhouse.

Lesbian Barbie: This Barbie is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow". She does not need or want a Ken doll but if you purchase two Baker Park Barbie's and the optional Subaru wagon with the Hood College parking sticker you will get both the rainbow flag and faded "Gore-Lieberman 2000" bumper stickers for free.

Hispanic Barbie: This Spanish-speaking only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary tags and three baby Barbie' s in the back, but no cars.

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A priest stops a woman after Mass and says "Hi Mrs. Smith ...

..., I have not seen you around for a while."

"I've had a some troubles" the women responded.

"I'm sorry to hear that," said the priest, "what's wrong?"

"My husband died recently," she said

"I am so sorry," responded the priest, "Did he die suddenly?"

"Yes, Father, it was rather sudden." she said.

"Well did he leave with any last words, what was the last thing he said to you?" the priest asked.

"Well, Father, the last thing he said to me was 'Sheila, put the gun down!"

Submitted by Larry, Baltimore, Md.

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Last pictures ever taken by the photographer ... Take 2

Dec 29th Humor Page