Mattel has recently
announced the release of the Limited-Edition Barbies
Beverly Hills Barbie: This princess Barbie
comes with an assortment of Kate Spade bags, a Lexus SUV, a
long-haired dog named Honey and a 3,500 s/f cookie cutter house on
a 5,000 s/f lot. Available with or without a tummy tuck and face
lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the "augmented"
Soccer Mom Barbie: This modern-day
homemaker Barbie is available with numerous makes of minivans and
matching health club outfits. She gets lost easily and has no full
time occupation. Traffic jamming cellular telephone is included,
headset sold separately.
Porn Barbie: This recently paroled formed
"porn actress" Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife,
a Chevy with dark tinted windows and a methlab kit. This model is
available after dark and can only be paid for with cash,
preferably in small untraceable bills.
Yuppie Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes
with your choice of a BMW convertible or a Hummer H2. Included are
her own private Starbucks cup and credit cards. Also available
with this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You
won't be able to afford any of them.
NASCAR Barbie: This pale model comes with
her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt and
Tweetie bird tattoo on her shoulder. She also comes with a six
pack of Budweiser beer and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can
spit over five feet and can kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she
is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a
confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.
Redneck Barbie: This tobacco chewing,
brasy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with
one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gut Ken out of
Fontana Barbie's Discovery townhouse. Her ensemble includes low
rise acid washed jeans, fake fingernails and see through halter
top. Also available with a 20 year old motor home and a fish boat
on a trailer to park outside her townhouse.
Lesbian Barbie: This Barbie is made of
actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet,
hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She
prefers that you call her "Willow". She does not need or want a
Ken doll but if you purchase two Baker Park Barbie's and the
optional Subaru wagon with the Hood College parking sticker you
will get both the rainbow flag and faded "Gore-Lieberman 2000"
bumper stickers for free.
Hispanic Barbie: This Spanish-speaking
only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary tags
and three baby Barbie' s in the back, but no cars.