Humor Additions for August 24th, 2005

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A ninety-two year old priest was venerated by everyone in town.

When he appeared on the streets people would bow low, such was the man's reputation for holiness. He was also a member of the rotary club. Every time the club met he would be there, always on time and always seated in his favorite spot in the corner of the room.

One day the priest disappeared. It was as if he had vanished into thin air because, search as they might, the townsfolk could find no trace of him. The following month, however, when the rotary club met, there he was as usual, sitting in his corner.

"But, Father," everyone cried, "where have you been?

"In prison," he calmly replied.

"In prison? For heaven's sake, you couldn't hurt a fly. What happened?"

"It's a long story," the priest replied, "but briefly, this is what happened. I bought myself a train ticket to the city and was waiting on the platform for the train when this stunningly beautiful girl appears on the arm of a policeman. She looks me over, turns to the cop, and says 'He did it.' And to tell you the truth, I was so flattered, I pleaded guilty."

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor replied.

Joe tried on the suit and it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised. "That's exactly right. How did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. As Joe walked comfortably around the shop the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't be wearing a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

  • New suit - $400
  • New shirt - $36
  • New underwear - $6
  • Second Opinion - PRICELESS

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The Blockbuster gerbils try out a new mouse ...  Download Video (712k)

Submitted by Janie, Germantown, Md.

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Stress test take 1

The picture below are used to test the level of stress a person can handle. The slower the pictures move, the better your ability of handling stress. Alleged criminals that were tested see them spinning around madly; however, senior citizens and kids see them standing still.

FYI ... None of these images are animated - they are perfectly static!

Also submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co

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Aug 22nd Humor Page