Humor Additions for August 19th 2005

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Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six-pack, bring it home ...

... and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach standing there. This time he was knee'd in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then he left.

The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor. The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded.

"Not much" answered the doctor. "There's just a nasty bug going around."

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.

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Stages of an employee

Ratings: Neophyte - Comes to work on time. Leaves a little early. Takes long lunches off site. Majority of life is still outside of work. Has no real responsibility. Happy to do any task, like cleaning crumbs out of your keyboard. Cannot believe s/he is getting paid so much to talk to college buddies on the phone and surf the Internet all day. Life is great!

Entry Level - Arrives and leaves on time. Feels important when boss asks him/her to work late and does so without hesitation. Brags to friends, "I chose the typeface for the IBM presentation". Considers a $25 bonus as indicator of undying company loyalty. Eats at desk on occasion. Life is pretty good.

Worker - Leaves late occasionally. Never calls in sick just to take the day off anymore. Is entirely responsible for meaningless projects, like changing "Systems Group" to "Technology Group" in all company documentation. Still comes into work with hangovers. Personal life is unknowingly vanishing. Is excited by a tiny raise and small promotion. Life is good.

Employee - Arrives early on occasion. Leaves late fairly often. Eats lunch at desk every day. Only has 1 or 2 remaining friends outside of work. Is actually responsible for real work that, if screwed up, will not damage the company significantly. Still has time to use company perks like hockey tickets. Life is OK.

Level 2 - Arrives early. Usually the last one to leave. Life is consumed by reports containing meaningless blocks of numbers. Derives all self-esteem from company and superiors' approbation. Spends entire paycheck on objects that elevate status and image. Is totally immersed in work and loves it. Can do nothing but collapse in front of the TV to watch 90210 the few hours s/he is home. Life is stressful.

Level 3 - Same as Level 2 except their work actually affects the success of the firm. Doesn't enjoy work anymore even though the salary is obscene and it keeps them away from their spouse all day. Considers quitting, but has large mortgage payment and doesn't want to give up the wide screen TV. Doesn't know what to do on a day off. Life is hell.

Manager - Tells other people what to do. Loves the power. Has to continually prove worthiness to managers up the food chain. Always works late in order to do the real work that can't be done during the day. Has 5 times as many business outfits as friends. Home life starts to break down. Life is stressful.

Middle Manager - Spends all day describing things with buzzwords. Considers key employees, pens, and contents of recycling bin as resources. Still works late, but only for a conference or client. Sometimes in winter, sees the sun after it rises or before it sets, unlike Level 2s, 3s, and managers. Has no friends or home life. Life is OK.

Upper Manager - Likes looking at reports and talking at meetings. Usually leaves work on time, except when leaving early to play golf with other Upper Managers. Hardly ever needs to brown nose anyone anymore. No longer owns jeans. Cannot remember ever taking public transportation. Life is good.

Executive - Despite having vast riches and grown children, chooses to come to work because it's fun. Says things like, "We need more market penetration in Liberia" and over the next few months, it happens. If it doesn't, the executive must do even more work by saying, "Why don't we have market penetration in Liberia?" Magically, it happens and executive is called a visionary. Life is great!

Submitted by Al, Seattle, Wa.

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 I want to thank all of you who have sent me your chain letters over the past year.

Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

  • Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
  • I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
  • I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.
  • I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
  • I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
  • I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
  • I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
  • I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
  • I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
  • I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
  • I no longer eat prepackaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me gay.
  • I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
  • I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
  • I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
  • I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
  • Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. It's a good thing you told me too cause I didn 't remember that in the Bible.
  • I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).
  • I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank all of you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (CST) this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician!


Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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What will happen if we lost the war on terror ... take 2

Submitted by Randy, Emmitsburg, MD.

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Aug 17th Humor Page