Humor Additions for April 4th 2005

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Why Do Men Die First?
  • If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race... you're a male chauvinist.
  • If you stay home and do the housework... you're a poofter.
  • If you work too hard... there's never any time for her.
  • If you don't work enough... you're a good-for-nothing lazy prick.
  • If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay... this is exploitation.
  • If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay... you should get off your lazy ass and find something better.
  • If you get a promotion ahead of her... that is favouritism.
  • If she gets a job ahead of you... its equal opportunity.
  • If you mention how nice she looks.... its sexual harassment.
  • If you keep quiet... it's male indifference.
  • If you cry... you're a wimp.
  • If you don't... you're an insensitive bastard.
  • If you make a decision without consulting her... you're a chauvinist.
  • If she makes a decision without consulting you... she's a liberated woman.
  • If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy... that's domination.
  • If SHE asks you... it's a favor.
  • If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear... you're a pervert.
  • If you don't... you're gay.
  • If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape... you're sexist.
  • If you don't... you're unromantic.
  • If you try to keep yourself in shape... you're vain.
  • If you don't... you're a slob.
  • If you buy her flowers... you're after something.
  • If you don't... you're not thoughtful.
  • If she has a headache... she's tired.
  • If you have a headache... you don't love her anymore.
  • If you want it too often... you're oversexed.
  • If you don't... there must be someone else.

Men Die First Because They Want To!

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.

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A Letter to "Horsie" Tech Support:

Dear Tech Support,

Recently I purchased and installed Horse 1.0. I soon noticed that this program appears to have numerous glitches. For instance, every time my computer boots up, I have to run Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1. Many times I've been in the middle of writing an important document, and a window will flash telling me to run Clean Stall 2.0. This program also contained applications I did not wish to install, such as Manure 8.5, however they auto-installed with Horse 1.0. Applications such as Vacation 2.7 and Free Time 10.1 can no longer run, crashing whenever selected. Possibly the worst is that Horse 1.0 has attached itself to programs like Finance Manager and MS Money, with folders added such as "Monthly Shoeing" and "Winter Blanket". Periodically, I'll get a reminder telling me to send a check to the manufacturer of Horse 1.0 for the aforementioned items. I have tried to uninstall Horse 1.0 numerous times, but when I try to run the uninstall program, I get warning messages telling me that a deadly virus known as "Withdrawal" will infect my system. Please Help!!!!!


Dear User,

Your complaint is not unusual. A common misconception among users is that Horse 1.0 is a mere "utilities and entertainment program." It is not - it is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its' creator to run everything! A warning will soon be imprinted on the box. Since you have already installed Horse 1.0, here are a few tips on how to make it run better. If you are annoyed by the applications Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1, you may run C: \HIRE HELP, however this will cause another folder to be added to financial applications, labeled "Staff". Failure to send payment to "Staff" will result in Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1 being run again on startup. A note of caution: NOT booting up your computer for several days isn't the solution to avoiding Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1. You will find that, when you boot up your computer again, a nasty virus called "Colic 4.2" will have attached itself to important documents and the only way to rid your computer of Colic 4.2 is by purchasing and installing "Vet 10.1", which we admit is extremely expensive, but crucial. Otherwise, Colic 4.2 will cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Finally, it is important that you run C:\Carrots and C:\Scratch Ears on a fairly regular basis to keep the application running smoothly. If you have any more questions, please call our toll free number.

Sincerely, Tech Support

Submitted by Natalie, Damascus, Md.

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McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini ...

... each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

"I've Lost Me Luggage"

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No," replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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You know the price of gas is getting bad when they start drawing cartoon about it - take 2

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April 1st Humor Page