Humor Additions for April 27th 2005

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Frank Sinatra arrives in Heaven, standing in front of the door, Holy Peter welcomes him.

"Are you Frank Sinatra?? asked Holy Peter.

"Yes I am." Replied Sinatra.

"Are you the one who sold a hundred million of LP's with your beautiful voice?" asked Holy Peter.

"Yes I am." Replied Sinatra again.

"Were you the one who went out with most beautiful women in the world and married Mia Farrow?" Peter asked.

"That's correct!" Replied Sinatra once again

"Are you also the man who owned a huge ranch in Texas, bought a house in Florida with a private port and boat and also had a grand mansion in Beverly Hills?" Peter asked.

"That's true again" Replied Sinatra .

"Well," said Holy Peter "you may come in Heaven...hope you won't be disappointed..."

Submitted by Yves, Paris, France

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Did You Hear about the Bridge Player Who ...
  • Always bids no trumps? It saves sending his suits to the cleaners.
  • Wouldn't let his partner play a hand? He knew that it is only dummies who put all their cards on the table.
  • Never looks at the last card? Number thirteen has to be unlucky.
  • Was also an astrologer? Would not bid hearts if Venus was rising.
  • Wouldn't sit west? He was an Indian - and that's where the cowboys are.
  • Was a politician? Always lies about his points, his suits and the distribution. But he promises a level playing field.
  • Worked for the CIA? His bids become void after 10 seconds.
  • Was a press secretary? Always had excuses for his partner.
  • Practices magic? Calls tricks 'rabbits', turns tops into bottoms while you watch.
  • Reneges nearly every hand? He's standing for the senate next election.

Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia

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An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman applied for the position of a laboratory assistant.

They all attend an interview. The laboratory manager comes out of his office with three jar and he gives one to each candidate. He informs them that in each jar is a live spider. He asks them to take the jar home informing them that whoever has the most comprehensive observation results will be given the job and a starting salary of $60,000.

The exhausted and weary looking candidates returned the following morning. Suddenly the managers door swings open and he shouts in the English man. "Well, what have you found out about your spider," asked the manager.

"Well it has eight legs, a hairy body and its runs in all different directions." Replied the Englishman.

"Is that all you have to report?" asks the manager.

"Err ... err ... yes" replied the English man. "

"OK, said the manager, "please take a seat outside and send in the Scottish man."

The Scottish was also asked what he had found out about his spider. "Well it has eight legs, a brown body with lots of small hairs, it is only able to crawl three inches up the jar before falling back and the longest it stays still is five minutes."

"Very good," said the manager, "so far you have the job but I do have one more candidate to see, so could you please take a seat outside and send in the Irishman."

The Irishman was also asked what he had found out about his spider. "Watch this said the Irishman, who took the lid on off the jar and placed the spider on the managers desk. he said to the spider COME HERE!, the spider began walking towards him and he said STOP! and the spider stopped. Again the Irishman placed the spider back and said COME HERE! at which point the spider again began walking towards him, he again said STOP! and again the spider stopped."

"That's fantastic," said the manager fantastic, "this is worth a fortune, we will be rich !!!!."

The Irishman then said "eh if you think that's good wait for this." He picked up the spider placed it back and pulled all its legs off and then said to the spider "COME HERE!" the spider didn't move ........ "COME HERE!" Yelled the Irishman, but still the spider didn't move. The Irishman then screamed "COME HERE!!!" but still the spider didn't move.

The Irishman then proudly stood back and said to the manager "What do you think of that then!"

"Think what about what?" said the manager confused as to what he had proved.

"Well" said the Irishman, "it proves that when you pull a spiders legs off ..... they go deaf."

Submitted by Andy, Derbyshire, England

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You know the price of gas is getting bad when they start drawing cartoon about it - take 10

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April 25th Humor Page