Humor Additions for April 22nd 2005

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No nursing home for me!

About two years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I noticed that all the staff, ship officers, waiters, busboys, etc. all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back. As we left the dining room one evening, I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises. "

She replied, "Yes, that's true."

I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home."

So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess cruise ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 a day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves$65 a day for:

  • Gratuities will average only $10 per day.
  • I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week.)
  • Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers and shows every night.
  • They have free toothpaste, razors, soap and shampoo.
  • They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
  • I will get to meet new people every 7 to 14 days.
  • TV broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.
  • Clean sheets and towels every day and you don't even have to ask for them.
  • If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip, you are on Medicare. If you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship, they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go.

So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship. PS And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge. PPS I am going to give this some real serious thought for myself and husband.

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, PA.

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Japan has replaced the impersonal Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages.

They're used to communicate a timeless message, often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity. Here are 13 actual error messages from Japan:

  • The Web site you seek cannot be located, but countless more exist.
  • Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.
  • Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much.
  • Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.
  • Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.
  • Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But, now it is gone.
  • Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down.
  • A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.
  • Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred.
  • You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here.
  • Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, but we never will.
  • Having been erased, the document you're seeking must now be retyped.
  • Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

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Questions without Answers ... take 3
  • If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
  • If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
  • If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?
  • Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
  • Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
  • If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
  • If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
  • When someone asks you A penny for your thoughts and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
  • Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
  • Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
  • When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
  • Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
  • Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
  • If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
  • Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
  • I am is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that I do is the longest sentence?
  • If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
  • Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as 4's?
  • Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

Submitted by Patty, Ringos, NJ

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To all our poor American cousins:

Oh dear! Has the price of your precious gasoline caused heartache? Unable to drive to the corner store for beer and ice cream and then pay for it?

Yours has been the cheapest gas in the western WORLD for decades, and you have been coerced into using gas guzzlers - even little ones - by guess who. Do you manage 50 miles per gallon, or even 60? Your European friends do, because they have had to pay about $8 per gallon for years, and not a car would have been sold if they couldn't manage these savings.

How many of you use LP? (liquefied petroleum) for your cars? It usually runs to about 1/4 the price of gasoline.

How much tax does your governments take from gas sales? Ours takes about 1/3 of the retail price - and supposedly does good with it.

Lastly, the war against communism has been won - by the communists. Specifically, China. The price of crude is linked to their industrial output - and they can now supply every piece of white goods the world will ever need. Study the graphs.

Start breeding horses and building bicycles - you, like us, will need them soon. Yours was known as the nation of stout-hearted men, and women. Looks like it's going to happen again.

Ah! The good old days.

Melbourne, Australia


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