Humor Additions for April 20th 2005

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The circus got to a little town in county Down, Ireland, early one sunday and began to set up.

One of the clowns, who also did acrobatic acts, being a god-fearing Catholic, went off to the little church for early confession, but found the priest still having breakfast and not yet in his robes.

"Will ye be hearin' me confession, now, father?" the acrobat asks.

"Why, sure, my son, I'll be doing that right away, but I haven't seen you here before. You be just passin' through, like?"

"Oh, no, father," replies the man, "I'm all with the circus now. It's come to entertain the folks, like. It's settin up now on the green. You need to come, father, it's right excitin. I'll get ye a ticket, that I will.'

"Oh son, I could not be goin to the circus, now, not that I've ever been, mind, but It would na be right for me to go. But, I'll tell ye, I'm interested in what thely'll be seein. What, say, do you do in the circus?"

"Me, Father? Why I'm doing the bit of acrobatics, now, that I am."

"Acrobatics? I've never seen that now - what do you have to do. Jump about a bit, somethin loike that?"

" Oh,father, more loike sumersaults, loops, catherine wheels, that sort o thing, you know.

"No, I never seen anythin loike that. It does sound excitin. Perhaps you could show me? Give me a demonstration, would be grand, that would."

"Well, father, not here now. I'd need a bt more room loike. I could do a couple a tumbles down the aisle, I suppose, if that would be right wi' you?"

"Sure, an there's no one here this early ever. Come on, show me!"

So they went out into the church and the acrobat proceeded to do some hand stands, tumbles, and wheels down the aisle. The priest was entranced and demanded an encore - but unknown to him to of the old ladies from the village had got to mass early and were wathcing this from the shadows to one side. They were astounded, holding their breath in amazement, but one finally leant over to the other and said "Well, dear, if them's the pennance the father's handin' out this morning, I'm goin to go home an put on me knickers."

Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia

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As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
  • A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
  • If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.
  • A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom.
  • Few women past the age of 40 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.
  • Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.
  • Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
  • A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.
  • Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. They always know.
  • A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
  • Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterparts.
  • Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, PA.

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Reflections of Will Rogers - one the greatest political sage this country has ever known ...
  • Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
  • Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
  • There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
  • Never miss a good chance to shut up.
  • Always drink upstream from the herd.
  • If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
  • The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
  • There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
  • Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
  • If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
  • Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
  • After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

About Growing Older ...

  • Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
  • The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
  • Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
  • When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
  • You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
  • I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
  • One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
  • One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
  • Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
  • Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

And finally

  • If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, PA.

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You know the price of gas is getting bad when they start drawing cartoon about it - take  7

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April 18th Humor Page