Humor Additions for April 11th 2005

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Two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle.

Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. but none is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the end of the runway.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, John, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, PA.

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Male & Female procedures Drive-through" teller machines

Male Procedures

  1. Drive up to the cash machine.
  2. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
  3. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
  4. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
  5. Drive off.

Female Procedures

  1. Drive up to cash machine.
  2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
  3. Set parking brake, put the window down
  4. Find handbag; remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
  5. Turn the radio down.
  6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
  7. Open the car door to allow easy access to machine due to its excessive distance from the vehicle.
  8. Insert card.
  9. Reinsert card the right way up.
  10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
  11. Enter PIN.
  12. Press cancel and reenter correct PIN.
  13. Enter amount of cash required.
  14. Check make up in rear view mirror.
  15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
  16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
  17. Place receipt in back of checkbook.
  18. Recheck make-up again.
  19. Drive forward 2 feet.
  20. Reverse back to cash machine.
  21. Retrieve card.
  22. Re-empty hand bag, locate cardholder, and place card into the slot provided.
  23. Restart stalled engine and pull away.
  24. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
  25. Release Parking Brake

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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New Dog Breeds ...
  • Collie + Lhasa Apso Collapso: a dog that folds up for easy transport
  • Spitz + Chow Chow Spitz-Chow: a dog that throws up a lot
  • Pointer + Setter Poinsettera:  traditional Christmas pet
  • Malamute + Pointer Moot Point: owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
  • Great Pyrenees + Dachshund Pyradachs: a puzzling breed
  • Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso Peekasso: an abstract dog
  • Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel Irish Springer: a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
  • Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever Lab Coat Retriever: the choice of research scientists
  • Newfoundland + Basset Hound Newfound Asset Hound: a dog for financial advisors
  • Terrier + Bulldog Terribull: a dog that makes awful mistakes
  • Bloodhound + Labrador Blabador: a dog that barks incessantly
  • Collie + Malamute Commute: a dog that travels to work
  • Deerhound + Terrier Derriere: a dog that's true to the end
  • Bull Terrier + Shitzu Bull: ... Oh, never mind

Submitted by Jamie, Frederick, MD.

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You know the price of gas is getting bad when they start drawing cartoon about it - take  4

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April 8th Humor Page