Humor Additions for October 29th 2004

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A blonde, burnette, and a redhead who where walking in the desert after a car crash.

Each one had a piece of the car to keep the sun out of their eyes.

So the burnette had a rim in her hands abd said, "god it's getting hot," so she put the rim over head like a cap to keep the sun away.

The redhead had a seat in her sholders and said, "god I'm hot too!" so she put the seat over her head to keep the sun out.

Last the blonde had the left front door and said, "god I'm hot too, too!' So she rolled down the window and stuck her head out and said," ahhh hey girls can you fell the breeze!?!?!?"

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the 2004 election was so close that the Electoral College vote was tied ...

... and that Congress couldn't break the deadlock, and that the Supreme Court decided they'd better not make the decision themselves.

So they sent Bush and Kerry to a frozen lake in South Dakota to have an ice fishing contest. No one was allowed to accompany them, and they were on their honour to let the guy who caught the most fish in five days become President.

On the first day they went out in different directions. Kerry came back with ten fish. Bush caught none.

On the second day, Kerry caught twenty fish and again George W. came back empty handed.

When Kerry brought back 25 fish on day three and George W. still hadn't caught any, Bush got worried and telephoned Dick Cheney for advice.

"He's probably cheating," suggested the Vice President.

"I hadn't thought of that," said George W. "You're probably right. What do we do?".

Cheney suggested that instead of going fishing the next day, Bush follow Kerry to see what he was doing.

At the end of day 4, Bush called up Cheney and told him, "You were right, Dick, the bastard is cheating."

"What's he doing?" asked Cheney.

"He's cutting holes in the ice!"

Submitted by Bill, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Life lessons learned from a dog . . . 

How Dogs and Men Are the Same: (men keep reading, you'll get your turn)

  1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
  2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
  3. Both mark their territory.
  4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
  5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
  6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
  7. Neither does any dishes.
  8. Both fart shamelessly.
  9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
  10. Both like dominance games.
  11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
  12. Neither understands what you see in cats.

How Dogs Are Better than Men:

  1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
  2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
  3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
  4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
  5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
  6. Dogs do not play games with you - except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
  7. You can train a dog.
  8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
  9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
  10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
  11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

Top Ten Reasons Why a Dog Is Better than a Woman:

  1. A dog's parents will never visit you.
  2. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
  3. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
  4. A dog never expects you to telephone.
    A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
  5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
  6. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
  7. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
  8. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
  9. A dog does not shop.

Life lessons learned from a dog:

  1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
  2. Don't go out without ID.
  3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by pissing on their shoes.
  4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
  5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
  6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is effective.
  7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed).
  8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.

Submitted by Kevin, Dallas Tx.  

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Presidency for Dummies

Oct 27th Humor Page