Humor Additions for October 25th 2004

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Walmart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item ... Walmart wine.

The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J GalloWinery of Modesto, California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2 - $5 range. While wine connoisseurs may not be too inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. She said: "The right name is important."

So, here we go: The top 12 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:

12. Chateau Traileur Parc
11. White Trashfindel
10. Big Red Gulp
9. Grape Expectations
8. Chateau Ghetto
7. NASCARbernet
6. Chef Boyardeaux
5. Peanut Noir
4. Chateau des Moines
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Riesling

And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine. . .

1. Nasti Spumante

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.

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Once upon a time, God was missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people."

"Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries.

"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful streams, hills, and forests. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There is another Washington...wait til you see the idiots I put there."

Submitted by Jon, Emmitsburg, Md.

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You might be a redneck if ...
  • Your standard of living improves when you go camping.
  • Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens.
  • You have jacked up your home to look for a dog.
  • Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.
  • There is a belch on your answering machine greeting.
  • You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode.
  • None of the tires on your van are the same size.
  • You hold the hood of your car with your head while you work on it.
  • Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade.
  • Your local beauty salon also fixes cars.
  • Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet.
  • You've ever slow danced in the Waffle House.
  • Starting your car involves popping the hood.
  • Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays.
  • You whistle at women in church.
  • You actually wear shoes your dog brought home.
  • You've been in a fistfight at a yard sale.
  • You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach the kids in the backseat.
  • You think people who have cell phones and e-mail are uppity.

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Pets at play, take 2

Oct 22nd Humor Page