How to Sing the Blues... a
- Most Blues begin, "Woke up this
- "I got a good woman" is a bad way to
begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next
line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
- The Blues is simple. After you get the
first line right, repeat it. Then find something that
rhymes...sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in
town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got
teeth like Margaret Thatcher, And she weighs 500 pounds."
- The Blues is not about choice. You're
stuck in a ditch, you're stuck in a ditch - ain't no way out.
- Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs
and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or
Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound
bus or a southbound train, blues NEVER go on the northbound
train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even
in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues
lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
- Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They
ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues,
"adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if
you shoot a man in Memphis.
- Blues can take place in New York City
but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in
Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression.
Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to
have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that
don't get rain.
- A man with male pattern baldness ain't
the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your
leg cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg
'cause an alligator be chomping on it is.
- Good places for the Blues: a. highway
b. jailhouse Bad places for the Blues: a. Nordstrom b. gallery
openings c. Ivy League institutions d. golf courses
- No one will believe it's the Blues if
you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you
slept in it for the last 6 months.
- Do you have the right to sing the
Blues? Yes, if: a. you're older than dirt b. you're blind c. you
shot a man in Memphis Not if: a. you have all your teeth b. you
were once blind but now can see c. the man in Memphis lived d.
you have a 401K or trust fund
- Blues is not a matter of color. It's a
matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny
Liston could. Ugly white people also got leg up on the blues.
- If you ask for water and your darlin'
give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues
beverages are: a. muddy water b. nasty black coffee The
following are NOT Blues beverages: a. Perrier b. Chardonnay c.
Snapple d. Slim Fast
- If death occurs in a cheap motel or a
shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a
jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric
chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot.
You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or
while getting liposuction.
- Some Blues names for women: a. Sadie b.
Big Mama c. Bessie d. Fat River Dumpling
- Some Blues names for men: a. Joe b.
Willie c. Little Willie d. Big Willie
- Persons with names like Michelle,
Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how
many men they shoot in Memphis.
- "Make your own Blues Name" Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b.
first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,
etc.) c. last name of a President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore,
etc.) For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Pegleg Lemon Johnson or
Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi."
- I don't care how tragic your life: if
you own even one computer, you cannot sing the blues.
Submitted by Neil,
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The real men
Note: Real men will answer "C"
to ALL of these questions. Knowing this, women will come a
long way in understanding men and will enrich their own
lives if they carefully consider the "C" answers.
- Alien beings from a highly advanced
society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they
encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they
present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device
that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite
supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and
permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the
entire Earth. You decide to:
- Present it to the President of the
- Present it to the Secretary General
of the United Nations.
- Take it apart.
- As you grow older, what lost quality of
your youthful life do you miss the most?
- Cherry bombs.
- When is it okay to kiss another male?
- When you wish to display simple and
pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social
- When he is the Pope. (Not on the
- When he is your brother and you are
Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman-like way
to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to
have him killed.
- In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.
- You have been seeing a woman for
several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you
always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon,
the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a
football game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly,
out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she
really loves you, but she can no longer bear the
uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going.
She says she's not asking whether you want to get married,
only whether you believe that you have some kind of future
together. What do you say?
- That you sincerely believe the two of
you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
- That although you also have strong
feelings for her, you can not honestly say that you'll be
ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you
don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
- That you cannot believe the Broncos
called a draw play on third and seventeen.
- Okay, so you have decided that you
truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your
life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world
has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
- You take her to a nice restaurant and
tell her after dinner.
- You take her for a walk on a moonlit
beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you,
with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars
in her eyes, you tell her.
- Tell her what?
- One weekday morning, your wife wakes up
feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready
for school. Your first question to her is:
A. "What do they like to eat for
B. "What time do they need to be at
C. "There are three of them?"
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are better than Women
- If you pretend to be blind, your dog can
stay in your motel room free of charge.
- The later you are, the more excited dogs
are to see you.
- If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in
the paper and give them away.
- Dogs will forgive you for playing with
- People think fat dogs are cute.
- A dog will let you put a studded leather
collar on it without calling you a pervert.
- Dogs don't notice if you call them by
another dog's name.
- A dog won't hold out on you to get a new
- If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate
- If a dog smells another dog on you, they
don't get mad ... they just find it interesting.
- Dogs like it when you leave lots of things
on the floor.
- On a car trip, your dog never insists on
running the heater.
- A dog's disposition stays the same all
- It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your
- A dog's parents never visit.
- Dogs do not hate their bodies.
- No dog ever put on a hundred pounds after
- Dogs don't let magazine articles guide
- Dogs agree; to get your point across, you
have to raise your voice.
- Dogs like to ride in the back of pickup
- Dogs like to do their snooping outside,
rather than in your wallet or desk
- Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or
- If a dog leaves you, it won't try to take
half your stuff.
- Dogs can't talk.
- Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
- You never have to wait for a dog; they're
ready to go 24 hours a day.
- Dogs like to go hunting.
- Another man will seldom steal your dog.
- If you bring another dog home, your dog
will happily play with both of you at the same time.
- A dog will not wake you up at night and ask
you, "If l died, would you get another dog?"
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I just spent 250 million to be president and all I got was this
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