Humor Additions for November 12th 2004

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How to Sing the Blues... a Primer
  • Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."
  • "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
  • The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes...sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, And she weighs 500 pounds."
  • The Blues is not about choice. You're stuck in a ditch, you're stuck in a ditch - ain't no way out.
  • Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train, blues NEVER go on the northbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
  • Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
  • Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
  • A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause an alligator be chomping on it is.
  • Good places for the Blues: a. highway b. jailhouse Bad places for the Blues: a. Nordstrom b. gallery openings c. Ivy League institutions d. golf courses
  • No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it for the last 6 months.
  • Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: a. you're older than dirt b. you're blind c. you shot a man in Memphis Not if: a. you have all your teeth b. you were once blind but now can see c. the man in Memphis lived d. you have a 401K or trust fund
  • Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got leg up on the blues.
  • If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: a. muddy water b. nasty black coffee The following are NOT Blues beverages: a. Perrier b. Chardonnay c. Snapple d. Slim Fast
  • If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
  • Some Blues names for women: a. Sadie b. Big Mama c. Bessie d. Fat River Dumpling
  • Some Blues names for men: a. Joe b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Big Willie
  • Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
  • "Make your own Blues Name" Starter Kit: a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.) c. last name of a President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Pegleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi."
  • I don't care how tragic your life: if you own even one computer, you cannot sing the blues.

Submitted by Neil, Lindal-in-furness, England

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The real men test 

Note: Real men will answer "C" to ALL of these questions. Knowing this, women will come a long way in understanding men and will enrich their own lives if they carefully consider the "C" answers.

  1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
  1. Present it to the President of the United States.
  2. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
  3. Take it apart.
  1. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
  1. Innocence.
  2. Idealism.
  3. Cherry bombs.
  1. When is it okay to kiss another male?
  1. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
  2. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
  3. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
  1. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.

  1. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon, the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married, only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
  1. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
  2. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
  3. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.
  1. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
  1. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
  2. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
  3. Tell her what?
  1. One weekday morning, your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

A. "What do they like to eat for breakfast?"
B. "What time do they need to be at school?"
C. "There are three of them?"

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Why dogs are better than Women
  • If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your motel room free of charge.
  • The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
  • If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
  • Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
  • People think fat dogs are cute.
  • A dog will let you put a studded leather collar on it without calling you a pervert.
  • Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
  • A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
  • If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
  • If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad ... they just find it interesting.
  • Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
  • On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
  • A dog's disposition stays the same all month.
  • It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
  • A dog's parents never visit.
  • Dogs do not hate their bodies.
  • No dog ever put on a hundred pounds after reaching adulthood.
  • Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
  • Dogs agree; to get your point across, you have to raise your voice.
  • Dogs like to ride in the back of pickup trucks.
  • Dogs like to do their snooping outside, rather than in your wallet or desk
  • Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman Marcus.
  • If a dog leaves you, it won't try to take half your stuff.
  • Dogs can't talk.
  • Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
  • You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
  • Dogs like to go hunting.
  • Another man will seldom steal your dog.
  • If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you at the same time.
  • A dog will not wake you up at night and ask you, "If l died, would you get another dog?"

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I just spent 250 million to be president and all I got was this t-shirt

Nov 8th Humor Page