Humor Additions for May 28th, 2004

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One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river ...

... her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed the thimble to help her husband in making a living for the two of them.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a wooden thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with a silver thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some time later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along he riverbank, and her husband fell into the river. When she cried out, The Lord again appeared and asked her, Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the water!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson." The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, PA.

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It was a Saturday afternoon, and I had rushed down to the local supermarket ... hurriedly pick up some hamburger rolls, chips and a few condiments for an impromptu BBQ for a few friends at half-time while we were watching a college basketball game on the patio.

The store was loaded with shoppers and as I headed for the limited items Express Lane, the only one that didn't have a long line, a rather large woman, completely ignoring the overhead sign, slipped into the check-out line just in front of me, pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

I was quietly fuming at the anticipated delay, when to my unexpected delight, the elderly cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked ever so sweetly, "So dearie, which ten items would you like to buy?

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.

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Words that didn't quite make it into Webster's dictionary
  • Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
  • Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.
  • Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage
  • Burglarize: What a crook sees with
  • Control: A short, ugly inmate
  • Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
  • Eclipse: what an English barber does for a living
  • Eyedropper: a clumsy ophthalmologist
  • Heroes: what a guy in a boat does
  • Left Bank: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot
  • Misty: How golfers create divots
  • Paradox: two physicians
  • Parasites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
  • Pharmacist: a helper on the farm
  • Polarize: what penguins see with
  • Primate: removing your spouse from in front of the TV
  • Relief: what trees do in the spring
  • Rubberneck: what you do to relax your wife
  • Selfish: what the owner of a seafood store does
  • Sudafed: brought litigation against a government official
  • Subdued a guy, like works on one of those Attack Submarines

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, MD.

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Computer Humor - Take 1

May 24th Humor Page