Humor Additions for March 8th, 2004

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Pentagon officials believe they have been unable to locate Bin Laden ...

...  because he found a place to hide out where:

  1. It is easy to get in if you have money and connections.
  2. No one will recognize or remember you.
  3. No one will realize that you have disappeared.
  4. No one keeps any records of your comings and goings.
  5. There's free dental care when you need it.
  6. You have no obligations or responsibilities.
  7. You can continue to hide from the war and let the common soldier do all the bleeding.

Pentagon analysts are still puzzled, however, as to how Bin Laden found out about the Texas Air National Guard in the first place.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other two-letter word ..

... and that is "UP." If you are not confused after reading this you must really be messed "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list but when we waken in the morning, why do we wake UP.

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ?

Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?

We call UP our friends, we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning.

People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special, and this is confusing.

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP.

To be knowledgeable of the proper uses of UP, look UP the word in the dictionary. In a desk size dictionary, UP takes UP almost 1/4th the page and definitions add UP to about thirty.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth.

When it doesn't rain for a while, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP , so I'll shut UP...

Submitted by Linn, Hagerstown, Md.

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A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."

The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.

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