Humor Additions for March 24th, 2004

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Mitch, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the racetrack.

On occasion he did moderately well, but it was usually a losing proposition. One day he was there, betting on the ponies and losing his shirt, when he noticed a Catholic priest, attired in the traditional cassock, step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse -- a very long shot -- won the race.

Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race.

Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the horses for the fifth race lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race.

The priest showed up, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! He was elated!

As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one horse in each of the races, and it always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew all of his money from his savings account and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet all his money on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses.

Mitchell bet every last cent he had, from his winnings and his savings account money. He watched the race with an inhuman interest, screaming and yelling, only to see the horse he had bet everything on come in dead last.

Mitchell was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, "Father, what happened? I've watched you all day. All day you blessed horses and they won. That last race, you blessed a horse And he lost. Now I've lost all my savings, and today's winnings, thanks to you!!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "Well, my son.........that's the problem with you Protestants. You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites.

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A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner, a beautiful blonde comes to the door and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Sure do." The dog replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.

"Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the blonde what she wants for the dog.

She says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.

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When Clinton was still President, he returned after a weekend trip home to Arkansas...

... and stepped from the helicopter and onto the White House lawn. He was carrying 2 Arkansas-bred hawgs.

At the bottom of the steps, a young Marine snapped to attention, saluted sharply and said, "Fine looking pigs, sir!". Clinton turned and glared at the boy. "Son, don't you know I'm from Arkansas? These ain't pigs, they're hawgs."

The marine replied, "This Marine begs the Commander in Chief's pardon, sir. Fine looking hawgs, sir!"

Clinton smiled with pride and the young man relaxed. The President went on, "Thank you son. Now, you see this one here?"...nodding to one of the hawgs under his right arm... "I got this one for Chelsea"...then he nodded to the hawg on his left. "...and got this one here for Hillary."

At that the Marine snapped back to attention and said,

"Outstanding trades, sir'

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Who ever said a picture was worth a thousand words had it right ...

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