Humor Additions for June 4th, 2004

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News Headlines for the Year 2029...
  • Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country of the world, California.
  • Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
  • Baby conceived naturally... Scientists stumped.
  • Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
  • Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon).
  • France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
  • George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
  • 85 year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
  • Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
  • Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
  • New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
  • Florida Democrats still don't know how to use a Voting Machine.
Read news headlines for 2035

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.

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"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.

"It ain't my fault, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this on my dad. The reason I'm three hours late? Dad sleeps nights in the raw!"

Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. So she asked little Sammy what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears.

Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth. "You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote.

The last few nights HE done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. And last night, when Dad heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, 'That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!'"

"'Stay back, he yelled to all us kids, I wouldn't want ya hurt!' He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the henhouse he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop.

As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had done woke up and come asneakin' up behind Dad. Then we all looked on, plumb helpless as Dad was cold-nosed without warnin'."

"Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!"

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co

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A Sunday School teacher asked her children if anyone could quote the entire 23rd Psalm.

A golden-haired, four-and-a-half-year-old girl was among those who raised their hands. A bit skeptical, the teacher asked if she could really quote the entire psalm.

The little girl came to the front of the room, faced the class, made a perky little bow, and said, "The Lord is my shepherd, that's all I want."

She bowed again and went and sat down.

That may well be the greatest interpretation of the 23rd Psalm ever heard.

Submitted by Pastor Brie, Taneytown, MD.

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Computer 'toons take 1

June 2nd Humor Page