The top 10 winners in the International Pun Contest ...
- Two vultures board an airplane, each
carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and
says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per
- Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The
one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
- Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were
chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank,
proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it
- Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've
lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first
replies "Yes, I'm positive."
- Did you hear about the Buddhist who
refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental
- A group of chess enthusiasts checked
into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their
recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager
came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I
can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
- A woman has twins and gives them up for
adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years
later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon
receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she
also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're
twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
- These friars were behind on their
belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise
funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God,
a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He
went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him! So,
the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most
vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up
the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they
didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving
that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
- Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked
barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of
calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him
rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A
super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
- And finally, there was the person who
sent ten different puns to his friends with the hope that at
least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.
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The LORD is my programmer, I
shall not crash ...
He installed his
software on the hard disk of my heart; All his commands are user
friendly; His directory moves me to the right choices for His
name's sake. Even though I scroll through the problems of life, I
will fear no bugs, for you are my backup; Your password protects
me; You prepare a menu before me in the presence of my enemies.
Your help is only a keystroke away. Surely
goodness and mercy will follow me All the days of my life, and my
file will be merged with God's and saved forever.
Submitted by Sister Wink, Younkers,
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An businessman walks into a bank in New
York City and asks for the loan officer.
tells the loan officer that he is going
to Italy on business for two weeks and
needs to borrow $5,000. The bank
officer tells him that the bank will
need some form of security for the loan,
so the Italian hands over the keys to a
new Ferrari GTO. The car is parked on
the street in front of the bank. The
Italian produces the title and
everything checks out.
loan officer agrees to accept the car as
collateral for the loan. The bank's
president and its officers all enjoy a
good laugh at the Italian for using a
$250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a
employee of the bank then carefully
drives the Ferrari into the bank's
underground garage and secures it there.
Two weeks later, the Italian returns,
repays the $5,000 and the interest,
which comes to $15.41.
loan officer says, "Sir, we are very
happy to have had your business, and
this transaction has worked out very
nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out
and found that you are a
multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why
would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
Italian replies: Where else in New York
City can I park my car for two weeks for
only $15.41 and expect it to be there
when I return?"
Submitted by Pat, Blue Lake, Va.
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