Sven and Ole, who are both from
Minnesota, traveled down to Texas for a vacation.
While walking along a busy
downtown street in Dallas, they see a sign in a store window which
reads, "Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each and Trousers $2.50 a
Ole says to his pal, "Sven,
look at dat! Ve could buy a whole bunch of dese clothes, take 'em
back to Minnesota, sell 'em to all our friends, and make a
Ole continues, "Now ven ve go in dere,
don't you say a vurd, okay? Yust let me do the talkin' 'cause if
dey hear your accent, they might tink ve're ignorant Norvegians,
and dey von't vanna sell dem clothes to us. Now, I'll talk like
I'm a Texan, so dey von't know."
Ole and Sven go in and Ole says with his
best fake Texas accent, "Howdy, y'all. Ah'll take 50 of them there
suits at five dollahs each, 100 of them there shirts at two
dollahs each, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at two-fifty
each. So, Ah'll just back up mah pickup and......"
The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll
are a coupla Norwegians from Minnesota, ain't you?"
"Vell . . yah," says a surprised Ole .
"How'd you know dat?"
The owner replies, "Cause this here's a
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
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Classes for men at the learning center for adults
Note: due to the complexity and difficulty
level of their contents, class sizes will be limited to 8
- Class 1 - How to fill up the ice cube
trays --- step by step, with slide presentation. Meets 4
weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 pm.
- Class 2 - The toilet paper roll ---
does it change itself? Round table discussion. Meets 2 weeks,
Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
- Class 3 - Is it possible to urinate
using the technique of lifting the seat and avoiding the
floor, walls and nearby bathtub? --- group practice. Meets 4
weeks, Saturday 10:00 pm for 2 hours. (Note: this class meets
at O'Malley's brew pub on 16th street)
- Class 4 - Fundamental differences
between the laundry hamper and the floor --- pictures and
explanatory graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 pm for 3 weeks.
- Class 5 - After dinner dishes --- can
they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on
video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours
beginning at 7:00 pm
- Class 6 - Loss of identity --- losing
the remote to your significant other. Help line support and
support groups. Meets 4 weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 pm.
- Class 7 - Learning how to find things
--- starting with looking in the right places and not turning
the house upside down while screaming. Open forum. Monday at
8:00 pm, 2 hours.
- Class 8 - Health watch --- bringing
her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and audio
tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 pm for
- Class 9 - Real men ask for directions
when lost --- real life testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 pm
location to be determined.
- Class 10 - Is it genetically
impossible to sit quietly while she parallel parks? Driving
simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
- Class 11 - Learning to live --- basic
differences between mother and wife. Online classes and
- Class 12 - How to be the ideal
shopping companion relaxation exercises, meditation and
breathing techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for
2 hours beginning at 7:00 pm.
- Class 13 - How to fight cerebral
atrophy --- remembering birthdays, anniversaries and other
important dates and calling when you're going to be late.
Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 pm for 2
- Class 14 - The stove/oven --- what it
is and how it is used. Live demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00
pm, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above
courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
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Various Pentagon rules for
engaging the enemy ...
- Be courteous to everyone, friendly to
- Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly
- Have a plan.
- Have a back-up plan, because the first
one probably won't work.
- Be polite. Be professional. But, have a
plan to kill everyone you meet.
- Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun
whose caliber does not start with a "4."
- Anything worth shooting is worth
shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
- Move away from your attacker. Distance
is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
- Use cover or concealment as much as
- Flank your adversary when possible.
- Always cheat; always win. The only
unfair fight is the one you lose.
- In ten years nobody will remember the
details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember
- If you are not shooting, you should be
communicating or reloading.
- Someday someone may kill you with your
own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it
because it is empty.
- And above all ... don't drop your
Navy SEALS Rules
- Look very cool in sunglasses.
- Kill every living thing within view.
- Return quickly to looking cool in
latest beach wear.
- Check hair in mirror.
US Army Rangers Rules
- Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound ruck
- Locate individuals requiring killing.
- Request permission via radio from
"Higher" to perform killing.
- Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
- Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound
ruck while starving.
- Select a new beret to wear
- Sew combat patch on right shoulder
- Change the color of beret you decide to
US Air Force Rules
- Have a cocktail
- Adjust temperature on air-conditioner
- See what's on HBO
- Determine "what is a gunfight"
- Request more funding from Congress with
a "killer" PowerPoint presentation
- Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite
DOD & defense industry executives
- Receive funding, set up new command and
- Declare the assets "strategic" and
never deploy them operationally
- Tell the Navy to send the Marines
- Go to Sea
- Drink Coffee
- Watch porn
- Send the Marines
Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, MD.
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Un-Categorizable Jokes, My Little
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