Humor Additions for Jan 9th, 2004

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History Exam for Seniors ...
  1. In the 1940s, where were automobile headlight dimmer switches located? a. On the floor shift knob b. On the floorboard, to the left of the clutch c. Next to the horn
  2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it. For what was it used? a. Capture lightning bugs b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing c. Large saltshaker
  3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters? a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled c.. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top.
  4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a gam e of chance? a. Blackjack b. Gin c. Craps!
  5. What method did women use to look as if they were wearing stockings when none were available due to rationing during W.W.II? a. Suntan b. Leg painting c. Wearing slacks
  6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or going? a. Studebaker b. Nash Metro c. Tucker
  7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid? a. Strips of dried peanut butter b. Chocolate licorice bars c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside
  8. How was Butch wax used? a. To stiffen a flattop haircut so it stood up b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust
  9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes? a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key b. Woven straps that crossed the foot c. Long pieces of twine
  10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision? a. Consider all the facts b. Ask Mom c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo
  11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940's? a. Smallpox b. AIDS c. Polio
  12. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey" a. SUV b. Taxi c. Streetcar
  13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony? a. Old Blue b.. Paint c. Macaroni
  14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill? a. Part of the game of hide and seek b. What you did when your Mom called you in to do chores c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.
  15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show? a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring b. Princess Sacajewea c. Princess Moonshadow
  16. What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed out in school? a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid your failure
  17. Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases? a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum. b. They could be put in special books and rede emed for various household items.. c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on tattoos.
  18. Praise the Lord, and pass the _________? a. Meatballs b. Dames c. Ammunition
  19. What was the name of the singing group that made the song "Cabdriver" a hit? a. The Ink Spots b. The Supremes c. The Esquires
  20.  Who left his heart in San Francisco? a. Tony Bennett b. Xavier Cugat c. George Gershwin


1. b) On the floor, to the left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular in Europe, took till the late '60s to catch on. 2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam iron? 3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle top. 4. a) Blackjack Gum. 5. b) Special makeup was applied, followed by drawing a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil. 6. a) 1946 Studebaker. 7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water. 8. a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut. 9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a shoestring around your neck. 10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo. 11. c) Polio. In beginning of August, swimming pools were closed, movies and other public gathering places were closed to try to prevent spread of the disease. 12. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight! 13. c) Macaroni. 14. c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A- bomb drill. 15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet. 16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a high. 17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household items at the Green Stamp store. 18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free. 19. a) The all male, all black group: The Inkspots. 20. a) Tony Bennett

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him ...

... and whacked him on the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called."

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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Random thoughts on Exercising ...
  • For every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
  • My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.
  • The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
  • I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
  • I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
  • I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
  • I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
  • The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
  • If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
  • And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
  • You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!

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Honey ... I lost my job today ... Take 1

Jan 7th Humor Page