Humor Additions for Jan 7th, 2004

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'Tis the season for New Year's resolutions, and once again Inside the Beltway ...

... offers its readers the opportunity to tell politicians what they'd like them to accomplish in 2004. Without further ado:

  • "I, George W. Bush, resolve to find an appropriate military decoration for that soldier who thought fast enough to give Saddam Hussein my 'greetings' in his spider hole." (Paul Sarvis, Elk Grove, Calif.)
  • "I, Saddam Hussein, resolve to not be such a procrastinator." (S.S., St. Louis)
  • "I, George W. Bush, resolve to ban the imports of all meat products into the U.S." (Larry Whitehurst, Mt. Horeb, Wis.)
  • "I, Joe Lieberman, resolve to send Al Gore a thank-you card - and a case of steaks - for endorsing Howard Dean." (J.S.R., Stafford, Va.)
  • "I, Howard Dean, resolve to not blame President Bush for 'mad cow' or for my 'foot-in-mouth' disease." (Brian Larsson, Easton, Pa.)
  • "I, Al Gore, resolve in 2004 to fix the Internet that I invented and make it spam-free." (Bill Petruzel, Springfield, Va.)
  • "I, George W. Bush, resolve to set up a task force to find and eliminate wasteful ways in the federal government so we can offset the national debt that I have incurred." (CMC, Leesburg, Va.)
  • "I, Joe Lieberman, resolve to stop speaking like Elmer Fudd." (Barry Hill, Annapolis)
  • "I, every congressman and senator, resolve to pass a bill allowing my constituents to set my salary in the future." (R. Umland, Summerfield, Fla.)
  • "I, Bill Clinton, resolve to have my picture taken at least once this year with my wife." (Dave Dahlke, Port Orchard, Wash.)
  • "I, John Kerry, resolve to reference my Vietnam service fewer times in 2004 than there are names on the Vietnam Memorial." (L. Berry, Voorhees, N.J.)
  • "I, Ben Chandler, Democratic nominee for congressman of Kentucky, resolve to stop acting like Howard Dean." (David Adams, Nicholasville, Ky.) Note: The Feb. 17 special election for the 6th Congressional District of Kentucky is the first partisan contest this year in the United States.
  • "We, Republican Senators Olympia Snowe and Susan Collins [both of Maine], resolve to end the years-long charade and place 'Democrat' after our names." (C. Henderson, Houston)
  • "I, Dick Cheney, resolve in 2004 to get out more." (Howard M. Peace, Asheville, N.C.)
  • "I, Howard Dean, resolve to control my seething but 'compassionate' anger for President Bush to prevent my head from exploding before the November election." (J.A.L., Sewell, N.J.)
  • "I, Charles Schumer, resolve to go to the shooting range at least twice a month in 2004 to improve my firearms skills." (Ken Hathaway, Browning Arms).
  • "I, Howard Dean, resolve to trust, communicate, and work closely with Chairman Terry McAuliffe - until November 5, 2004." (Don Kasprzak, Plattsburgh, N.Y.)
  • "I, Dick Gephardt, resolve to remove the words 'miserable' and 'failure' from my vocabulary, unless of course, I am referring to my own campaign." (Joe Menavich, Potomac Falls, Md.)
  • "I, George W. Bush, resolve to quit signing bills without reading them first." (Brian McCauley, Haymarket, Va.)
  • "I, Arnold Schwarzenegger, resolve in 2004 to correctly pronounce the name of the state I govern." (Scott Wance, Reston, Va.)
  • "I, John Kerry, resolve to wash my mouth out with green or purple ketchup the next time I use the 'F-word.' I also resolve to tell my wife what a dumb idea artificially colored ketchup is." (M.J.L., Marriottsville, Md.)
  • "I, Terry McAuliffe, resolve to never again use the following terms in the same sentence: 2000, Florida, election and selection." (John Casteel, Traverse City, Mich.)
  • "I, George W. Bush, resolve to veto any bill that makes a person or behavior or status legal that is now illegal." (N.N., Philadelphia)
  • "I, Wesley Clark, resolve to write on the blackboard 100 times, 'Being a bully doesn't prove anything; I must develop integrity and moral fiber if I want to prove how tough I am.' " (M.J.L., Marriottsville, Md.)
  • "Now that everyone knows Brits, Italians, Bulgarians and even Thais have died in Iraq, I, Howard Dean, shall never again use the word 'unilateral.' " (Ali F. Sevin, Fort Washington, Md.)
  • "I, Terry McAuliffe, resolve to embark on a career where I can be successful." (Dave Guild, Prior Lake, Minn.)
  • "I, Tom Daschle, am deeply saddened to resolve in 2004 my search for stimulating rhetoric." (Marco Cappabianca, Croton-on-Hudson, N.Y.)
  • "I, John Kerry, the French-looking Democrat senator from Massachusetts, who by the way served in Vietnam, resolve to get a white-sidewall, Marine-style haircut." (Retired Air Force Lt. Col. Harry M. Mathis, Round Rock, Texas)
  • "I, Howard Dean, resolve to be the candidate for conspiracy theorists, militant pacifists, and those who only take their foot out of their mouth to shoot it." (Nate Coates, Washington)
  • "I, Hillary Rodham Clinton, resolve to get a tow cable longer than Howard Dean's cliff." (Paul Sarvis, Elk Grove, Calif.)
  • "I, Howard Dean, resolve to find a taller cliff." (Ditto)

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.

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Sisters of St. Francis house of Prostitution

While driving down the road, a man sees the following sign: Sisters of St. Francis House of Prostitution prostitution 10 miles

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought......soon he sees another sign, which says: St. Francis House of Prostitution 5 miles

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real....then he drives past a third sign saying Sisters of St. Francis House of Prostitution next right

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive....on the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: S isters of St. Francis

He climbs the steps and rings the bell....the door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"....he answers, "i saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.".....

"Very well, my son. Please follow me." ....he is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented....the nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, please knock on this door".............

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.....this nun instructs, "please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway"....... He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup.....

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him........ as the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

Go in peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of St. Francis . Serves you right, you sinner.

Submitted by Jessica

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Finally, a Sheriff's office that is not afraid of telling the truth.

Hats off to Kern County, California. Gotta love it. We've all seen law enforcement cars and their mottos, like "Protect and Serve", "Dedicated to your Safety" and such. Now someone finally comes forth with the truth.


Jan 5th Humor Page