... "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary today. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he replied.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.
 

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Damned If You Do or Don't

• If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
• If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
• If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.
• If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favouritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
• If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
• If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.
• If you thump her, it's wife bashing. If she thumps you, it's self-defense.
• If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
• If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.
• If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert. If you don't, you're a fag.
• If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.
• If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.
• If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
• If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.
• If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
• If you want it too often, you're oversexed. If you don't, there must be someone else.

No wonder men die before women!

Submitted by Tom, Fairfield, Pa.
 

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• If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
• Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
• What do chickens think we taste like?
• What do you call a male ladybug?
• What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
• When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
• Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
• Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
• Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
• Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?
• Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?
• Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
• How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
• Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
• If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?
• If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
• If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?
• If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
• Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?
• Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
• Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
• What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
• Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
• If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Submitted by Kevin, Dallas, Tx.
 

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Jan 9th Humor Page