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2004 Darwin
Award Nominee Bill Henderson broke
into a glue factory ...
... in search of
the ultimate high, and 12 hours later
stunned workers found him -- stuck to
the floor!
"I've seen
dumb people in my life, but this guy
takes the cake," says Florence Mabely,
a glue-viscosity tester at the Durable
Fit Glue Company in Sydney, Australia.
"He was covered in contact cement from
head to toe. We had to pry him off the
concrete with shovels and a crowbar
like he was a slab of linoleum tile
and all the time he was squealing like
a stuck pig.
"He was screaming and hollering,
'Don't hurt me! Oh, God, just don't
hurt me!'
"I kept telling him to shut up or I'd
super-glue his mouth shut and scrape
him off the floor with a fork lift."
Henderson, 19, told cops he
occasionally sniffs glue to relax and
hallucinate and decided that the glue
factory was a good spot to pursue "a
massive high."
He said he sneaked into the
65,000-square-foot plant through an
open window and made a beeline for the
blending room, where industrial-
strength glues are mixed in giant
stainless steel vats.
The room is vented by an array of 12
oversized exhaust fans to protect
workers from volatile fumes that in
low doses can make a human hallucinate
and feel giddy, but in higher doses
can cause brain and organ damage and
even kill you.
Henderson told police he turned off
the fans and took several deep breaths
-- "huffing," in the parlance of
addicts, who usually breathe glue from
a paper bag with its opening held
tight around their nose and mouth.
"I seen visions of Jesus and the devil
and a space alien with a big head,"
Henderson told police. "I also seen
the King of rock 'n' roll -- what's
his name? Elvis? And somebody else I
can't remember... it might have been
Michael Jackson or that other singer,
Kurt Cobain."
It's not entirely clear what happened
next, but this much is known by
police: Henderson knocked over a
500-gallon vat of gooey contact
cement... and slipped and then rolled
in it."
Submitted
by
Bill, Narberth, Pa.
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It was October and the Indians on
a remote reservation asked their new chief ...
... if the coming winter was going
to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society he
had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky
he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the
winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the
village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a
practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to
the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked,
"Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the
meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even
more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does
it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's
going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to
collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service
again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be
very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it
is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be
so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like
crazy."
Submitted by
Debbie,
Middletown, Md.
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A man walked into the ladies' department
of a Dillard's Department Store ...
... and said to the woman behind the counter,
"I'd like to buy a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Baptist," said the man. "She said get a
Baptist bra, and that you'd know what she meant."
"Ah yes, now I remember," said the
saleslady. "We don't sell many of those. Mostly our customers want
the Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, or the Presbyterian
type."
Confused, the man asked, "What's the
difference between them?"
The lady responded, "It is all really
quite simple... the Catholic type supports the masses, the
Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian type
keeps them staunch and upright. Then there's the Baptist type."
"What does that do?" asked the man.
She replied, "It makes mountains out of
molehills."
Submitted by Pat, Blue Lake, Va.
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Submitted by Kent, Emmitsburg, Md.
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Feb 4th Humor Page
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