from Santa Claus:
I regret to inform you that,
effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve
Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming
current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by
North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.
I now serve only certain areas
of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of
the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk
and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your
children will be in good hands with your local replacement who
happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.
His side of the family is from
the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the
good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences
between us. Differences such as:
- There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun
rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
- Instead of milk and cookies,
Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork
rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't
smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an
empty spit can handy.
- Bubba Claus' sleigh is
pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of
reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's
- You won't hear "On
Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba
Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on
Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on
Elliott and Petty."
- "Ho, ho, ho!"
has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are
likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
- As required by Southern
highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam
safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off." The
last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back
as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race
through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa
Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
- The usual Christmas movie
classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and
"It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your
negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg
Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit
IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens
of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
- Bubba Claus doesn't wear a
belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the
kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents
under the tree.
- And finally, lovely
Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph
The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa
Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba
Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the
South. Those song title will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba
Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I
Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack", and
Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You
can Shove It."
Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus
(member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
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of Page, Christmas Joke List,
- A murderer is condemned
to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is
full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with
loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten
in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
- A woman shoots her husband Then she
holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs
him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a
wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
- What is black when you buy it, red when
you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
- Can you name three consecutive days
without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday,
Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?
- This is an unusual paragraph. I'm
curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about
it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it.
In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study
it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd.
But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so
without any coaching!
- The third. Lions that haven't eaten in
three years are dead
- The woman was a photographer. She shot
a picture of her husband, developed it and hung it up to dry.
- Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and
- The letter "e", which is the most
common letter in the English language, does not appear once in
the long paragraph.
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of Page, List of
Un-Categorizable Jokes, My Little
A man and his wife were giving
each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that
the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an
early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to
break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would
The next morning, the man woke
up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened
him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM.
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Jokes About Marriage, My Little
New York City chalk
artists ... take 3
Remember, these these are all drawings done on
sidewalks... so keep in mind the surfaces are flat!
Dec 6th Humor Page