Humor Additions for December 6th 2004

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New jokes posted on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
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Monday morning random thoughts ...
  • When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
  • I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
  • I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
  • Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said -'Sticks and stones may
  • break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
  • My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
  • I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'
  • If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
  • I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
  • If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
  • Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
  • Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
  • Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
  • What do people in China call their good plates?

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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14 Holiday Commandments
  1. When thou bakest the holiday goodies, thou will treat thyself to some of the goodly ones and not just to the slightly burnt ones that ye would be too embarrassed to giveth unto others.
  2. Yea, though ye walk through the mall on December 24, ye shall not buy any singing fish, nor any pull-my-finger gags, no matter how desperate thou art to find something for thy brother-in-law.
  3. When thy child's school doth gear up for another fund-raising sale of holiday wrapping paper, think ye of the thirty-seven unused rolls hiding in your closet -- and buy another five rolls as thou always dost.
  4. When I regift unto you, and it turns out to be something you gave unto me, lo, these many years ago, just put it away to give unto me again next year. Have faith in this most venerable truth: I will never remember.
  5. When I writest the holiday newsletter and proclaim that I have been asked to sing with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, refrain from recalling my memorable turn massacring "Like a Virgin" at the high school talent show.
  6. Nor will ye tie onto thy animals reindeer antlers or bells that doth jingle. Thine husband, however, art fair game.
  7. Thou shalt not partake in the wearing of the matching mother-daughter outfits until someone figures out how to make the mother not looketh like a veritable idiot.
  8. Thou shalt not wear holiday-theme sweaters. Verily, no Santas, Rudolphs, snowmen, nor elves. Especially elves.
  9. When thou deck the halls, I say unto you, the tinsel must be placed one strand at a time. Except when thine husband turns his back, then ye may throw it on in clumps and no shame shall be upon ye.
  10. Thou shalt gain weight over the holidays. It is the way of all flesh. Get thee over it.
  11. I say unto you: No holiday decoration may be put up sooner than two weeks before the Great Day, and all must be taken down before the next Thanksgiving. Verily.
  12. When thee and thine husband agree not to exchange of the presents this year, hold this truth most dear: He really isn't going to giveth anything unto you.
  13. Thou shalt buy thyself one really great present and open it up in front of the family, exclaiming, "I love it! But there be no card! Who giveth this unto me?" Wait to see if anyone art snarky enough to claim credit.
  14. Thou shalt have health, grace, and peace in the New Year. Even if thou art an elf.

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Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.

Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy...

So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. Share this with other women who are good apples, even those who have already been picked!

And... Men?

Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Submitted by Vicki, Downingtown, Pa.

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New York City chalk artists ... take 2

Remember, these these are all drawings done on sidewalks... so keep in mind the surfaces are flat!


Dec 3rd Humor Page