Humor Additions for December 15th 2004


    My Little Sister's Jokes > Recent Addition List

New jokes posted on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
Happily maintained  by the Community of Emmitsburg, MD.

Help us build our joke and story bank.
E-mail us at: humor@emmitsburg.net


10 Sure Fire Ways To get on Santa's bad side
  1. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants
  2. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
  3. Build an army of snowmen on the roof, holding signs - 'Bah Humbug' and 'Bite me Santa.'
  4. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
  5. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
  6. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, 'Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime.'
  7. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
  8. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
  9. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, 'Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!' and fire a gun.
  10. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, 'This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us.'

Submitted by Alicia, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

Return to: Top of Page, Christmas Joke List, My Little Sister's Jokes,


Holiday Eating tips ...
  • Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
  • Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
  • If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
  • As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
  • Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
  • Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
  • If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
  • Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
  • Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
  • One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Submitted by Pat, Smith Lake, Va.

Return to: Top of Page, Christmas Joke List, My Little Sister's Jokes,


Don't mess with seniors, especially when it comes to money

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" My wife asked incredulously. "I'll take the special."

"How do you want your eggs?"

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home.

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.

Return to: Top of Page, List of Jokes About Aging, My Little Sister's Jokes ,


Can you find the man within 3 seconds?

According to medical experiments: If you can find the Man's Head within 3 seconds, your right brain is more developed than normal people. If you can find the Man's Head within 1 minute, your right brain is developed normally. If you can find the Man's Head within 1-3 minutes, your right brain is slow in reacting, you should eat more meat protein. If you can't find the Man's Head in 3 minutes or more, your right brain is a disaster... extremely slow in reacting, eat way more protein and try some Ginkgo Biloba. And, Yes There Really Is a Man in There


Dec 13th Humor Page