Southerner Horoscopes
Southerns are pretty skeptical of
horoscopes, and it has become obvious that what we need are
"Southern" symbols:
Okra (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Although you appear
crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras have
tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life
and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon
Pies.
Chitlin (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins come
from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however, can make something of
himself if he's motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing
with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins
are best with Catfish and Okra.
Boll Weevil (Feb 20 - Mar 20) You have an
overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of
things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of
everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if
you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to
marry you, so don't worry about it.
Moon Pie (Mar 21 - Apr 20) You're the type
that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to
recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are
the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get
remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This
might be the year to think about aerobics. Or - maybe not.
Possum (Apr 21 - May 21) When confronted
with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to
withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude.
Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're
dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but
seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work and you may
find your problems actually running you over.
Crawfish (May 22 - June 21) Crawfish is a
water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around
the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the
pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend
to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very,
very good heads.
Collards (June 22 - July 23) Collards have
a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot"
of life and share their essence with the essence of those round
them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and
baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are
Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save
yourself a lot of heartache.
Catfish (July 24 - Aug 23) Catfish are
traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one whiskers may
cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people
to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface
of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.
Grits (Aug 24 - Sept 23) Your highest aim
is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together
with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so
maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to
go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs.
If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that
serves you well.
Boiled Peanuts (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You have
a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those
who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that
your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will
probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than
you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want
to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road
of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and
stop for you.
Butter BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22) Always
invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with
everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on
the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting.
You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have
anything to do with Moon Pies.
Armadillo (Nov 23 - Dec 21) You have a
tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite
gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots,
fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not
concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned
with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in
your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry
another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky, mating
possibility.