Humor Additions for August 30th 2004

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Republican National Convention Schedule - New York, NY
  • 6:00 PM Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell
  • 6:30 PM Pledge of Allegiance
  • 6:35 PM Ceremonial Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd Amendment)
  • 6:45 PM Salute to the Coalition of the Willing
  • 6:46 PM Seminar #1: Katherine Harris on "Are Elections Really Necessary?"
  • 7:30 PM Announcement: Ronald Reagan's picture to replace all portraits on all American currency
  • 7:35 PM Trent Lott -- "Re-segregation in the 21st Century"
  • 7:40 PM EPA Address #1: Mercury: It's What's for Dinner
  • 8:00 PM Vote on which country to invade next
  • 8:10 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh
  • 8:15 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: The Queers Are After Your Children
  • 8:30 PM Round table discussion on reproductive rights (men only)
  • 8:50 PM Seminar #2: Corporations: The Government of the Future
  • 9:00 PM Condi Rice sings "Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man"
  • 9:05 PM Phyllis Schlafly speaks on "Why Women Shouldn't Be Leaders"
  • 9:10 PM EPA Address #2: Trees: The Real Cause of Forest Fires
  • 9:30 PM Break for secret meetings
  • 10:00 PM Announcement: Ronald Reagan to replace figures dynamited from Mt. Rushmore
  • 10:15 PM Carl Rove Lecture: Doublespeak Made Simple
  • 10:30 PM Rumsfeld Lecture/Demonstration: How to Squint and Talk Macho-- Even When You Feel Squishy Inside
  • 10:35 PM Announcement: Nation's capital re-named Reaganville USA
  • 10:40 PM John Ashcroft Demonstration: New Mandatory Kevlar Chastity Belt
  • 10:45 PM The Grand Old Party's Tribute to Tokenism, featuring Colin Powell & Condi Rice
  • 10:46 PM Ann Coulter's Tribute to "Joe McCarthy, Great American Patriot"
  • 10:50 PM Seminar #3: Education: A Drain on Our Nation's Economy
  • 11:10 PM Hilary Clinton Pinata
  • 11:20 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: Evolutionists: A Dangerous New Cult
  • 11:30 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again
  • 11:35 PM Blame Clinton
  • 11:40 PM Newt Gingrich speaks on "The Sanctity of Marriage"
  • 11:40:30 PM Announcement: Pacific Ocean re-named The Reagan Sea
  • 11:50 PM Acclamation of George W. Bush as Most Holy and Supreme Planetary Overlord
  • 12:00 PM Closing Prayer led by Jesus Himself.

Submitted by Bill of the Willys

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Southerner Horoscopes

Southerns are pretty skeptical of horoscopes, and it has become obvious that what we need are "Southern" symbols:

Okra (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

Chitlin (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

Boll Weevil (Feb 20 - Mar 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

Moon Pie (Mar 21 - Apr 20) You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Or - maybe not.

Possum (Apr 21 - May 21) When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work and you may find your problems actually running you over.

Crawfish (May 22 - June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

Collards (June 22 - July 23) Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those round them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

Catfish (July 24 - Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

Grits (Aug 24 - Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

Boiled Peanuts (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

Butter BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

Armadillo (Nov 23 - Dec 21) You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky, mating possibility.

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A blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes ...

... and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is O K.

She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said.... For best results, put on two coats!!!!!

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, MD.

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August 23rd Humor Page