Humor Additions for August 11th, 2004


    My Little Sister's Jokes > Recent Addition List

New jokes posted on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
Happily maintained  by the Community of Emmitsburg, MD.

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E-mail us at: humor@emmitsburg.net


A woman wanted to repaint her house, so she called a contractor ...

... and set an appointment to meet with him. When the contractor came to her house they did a walk-through and he asked her what colors she would like. They came to the living room and she told him that she would like a nice, warm cream color.

The contractor wrote something down on his pad, then walked to the window and yelled, ''Greenside up.''

The lady is a little confused, but doesn't say anything, and they continue to the dining room where she tells him, ''I would like a nice warm white in here, nothing stark.''

The contractor writes something down on his pad, then walks to the window and again yells, ''Greenside up!''

The lady is really confused now but still does not say anything. They continue to her bedroom and she says, ''I would like a nice, cool, relaxing blue in here.''

The contractor writes something on his pad and again walks to the window and yells, ''Greenside up.''

The woman is now totally perplexed and says to the contractor, ''Three times I have told you the color that I want, and you write something on your pad, then you walk to the window and yell greenside up. What is going on?''

The contractor replies, ''I have four blondes laying sod across the street.''

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A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle...

 when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So, how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, leaned over and whispered to him, "Try doing it with the engine running."

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.

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A few rather creative plays plays on words ...
  • Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
  • A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
  • Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
  • Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
  • Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
  • A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
  • A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
  • Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
  • Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
  • Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
  • Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
  • When two egoists meet, it's an I for an I.
  • A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
  • Definition of a will: A dead give away.
  • Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  • In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
  • She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
  • A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
  • If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
  • With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
  • When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
  • The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
  • You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
  • Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
  • Every calendar's days are numbered.
  • A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
  • A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
  • A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
  • Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
  • Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
  • Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
  • Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
  • Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
 

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Now this plumber knows how to get your attention ....


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