Humor Additions for April 23rd, 2004

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A women in the group of Americans Touring Ireland was a real curmudgeon ...

... constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, Md.

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A South Carolina redneck passed away and left a sizable estate to his beloved widow ...

... However, she can't touch it until she turns fourteen.

Folks in Georgia now go to the movies in groups of 18 or more since they were told that in some theaters "17 and under are not admitted".

The minimum drinking age in Tennessee was raised to age 32 in an attempt to keep alcohol out of high schools.

Reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi are considered documentaries.

You know you are in Kentucky when you call the front desk from your motel room and tell the clerk "I've gotta leak in my sink", and he says, "go paid for the room".

You can tell if a West Virginia redneck is married. There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup.

A new lottery system is in effect in Florida. It pays out $3,000,000 to the lucky winner. That is, $3 a year for a million years.

The governor's mansion in Little Rock was almost destroyed by fire.. In fact, the entire trailer park was almost lost.

Submitted by John, Upton, Long Island

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Think a gallon of gas is expensive?  This puts things in perspective ...
  • Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ........ $10.32 per gallon
  • Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ...........$9.52 per gallon
  • Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ..... $10.17 per gallon
  • Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 ........ $10.00 per gallon
  • Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ......... $33.60 per gallon
  • Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 ... $178.13 per
  • Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 ...... $123.20 per gallon
  • Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ...... $25.42 per gallon
  • Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 .......$84.48 per gallon

And this is the REAL KICKER...

  • Evian water 9 oz $1.49..........$21.19 per gallon?! $21.19 for WATER - and the buyers don't even know the source.

So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, or God forbid Pepto Bismal or Nyquil.

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.

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North Dakota Beer Cooler

April 21st Humor Page