Humor Additions for April 14th, 2004

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Interesting Facts about the Tomb of the Unknowns
  1. How many steps does the guard take during his walk across the tomb of the Unknowns and why? 21 steps. It alludes to the twenty-one gun salute, which is the highest honor given any military or foreign dignitary.
  2. How long does he hesitate after his about face to begin his return walk and why? 21 seconds for the same reason as answer number 1.
  3. Why are his gloves wet? His gloves are moistened to prevent his losing his grip on the rifle.
  4. Does he carry his rifle on the same shoulder all the time, and if not, why not? He carries the rifle on the shoulder away from the tomb. After his march across the path, he executes an about face, and moves the rifle to the outside shoulder.
  5. How often are the guards changed? Guards are changed every thirty minutes, twenty-four hours a day, 365 days a year.
  6. What are the physical traits of the guard limited to? For a person to apply for guard duty at the tomb, he must be between 5"10 and 6"5 tall and his waist size cannot exceed 30".

Other requirements of the Guard:

They must commit 2 years of life! to guard the tomb, live in a barracks under the tomb, and cannot drink any alcohol on or off duty for the rest of their lives. They cannot swear in public for the rest of their lives and cannot disgrace the uniform {fighting} or the tomb in any way.

After two years, the guard is given a wreath pin that is worn on their lapel signifying they served as guard of the tomb. There are only 400 presently worn. The guard must obey these rules for the rest of their lives or give up the wreath pin.

The shoes are specially made with very thick soles to keep the heat and cold from their feet. There are metal heel plates that extend to the top of the sole in order to make the loud click as they come to a halt. There are no wrinkles, folds or lint on the uniform. Guards dress for duty in front of a full-length mirror.

The first six months of duty a guard cannot talk to anyone, nor watch TV. All off duty time is spent studying the 175 notable people laid to rest in Arlington National Cemetery. A guard must memorize who they are and where they are interred. Among the notables are: President Taft, Joe E. Lewis {the boxer} and Medal of Honor winner Audie Murphy, {the most decorated soldier of WWII} of Hollywood fame. Every guard spends five hours a day getting his uniforms ready for guard duty.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Phrases you wish you could say at work.

  • I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
  • How about never? Is never good for you?
  • I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
  • I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
  • I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
  • I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
  • I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
  • It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
  • I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
  • You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
  • I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
  • I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
  • I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
  • Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
  • The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
  • Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
  • What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
  • I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
  • It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
  • Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
  • No, my powers can only be used for good.
  • You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
  • Who me? I just wander from room to room
  • And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
  • Do I look like a people person?
  • This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
  • I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
  • Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
  • If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  • You!... Off my planet!
  • Does your train of thought have a caboose?
  • Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
  • A PBS mind in an MTV world.
  • Allow me to introduce my selves.
  • Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
  • Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
  • Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
  • I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
  • A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
  • Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
  • Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
  • Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
  • Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
  • Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
  • How do I set a laser printer to stun?
  • I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.

Submitted by Vicki, Downingtown, Pa.

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To: Mr. John Hinckley ...

St. Elizabeth's Hospital
Washington, DC

Dear John:

Laura and I hope that you are continuing your excellent progress in recovery from your mental problems. We were pleased to hear that you are now able to have unsupervised visits with your parents. The staff at the hospital reports that you are doing fine.

I have decided to seek a second term in office as your president and I would appreciate your support and the support of your fine parents. I would hope that if there is anything that you need at the hospital, you will let us know.

By the way, were you aware that John Kerry is going out with Jody Foster?


George W. Bush

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