Humor Additions for Monday, Sept 22nd 2003

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25 Things You Should Have Learned by Middle Age ...
  1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
  2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
  3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  4. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
  5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
  7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
  8.  It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
  9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
  10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
  11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of pay checks.
  12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
  13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
  14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
  15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
  16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
  17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
  18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
  19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
  20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
  21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
  22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
  23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
  24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
  25. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, MD.

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A zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.

... As he enters, he asks St. Peter,"I have a question, that has haunted me all of my days on earth...."

"Am I a white horse with black stripes,or a black horse with white stripes?"

St. Peter said, "That is a question that only God can answer."

So...the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asked, "God, please---I must know--am I a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes?" God simply replied, "You are what you are."

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more. St. Peter asked, "Well, did God straighten out your query for you?"

The zebra looked puzzled. "No sir, God simply said, you are what you are."

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra,"Well then, that answers it----you are a white horse with black stripes." The zebra asked St. Peter, "How do you know that?" "Because," said St. Peter, "if you were a black horse with white stripes, God would have said, "You is what you is."!

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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Instructions: Just read the sentence straight through quickly without really thinking about it.

Acocdrnig to an elgnsih unviesitry sutdy the oredr of letetrs in a wrod dosen't mttaer, the olny thnig thta's iopmrantt is that the frsit and lsat ltteer of eevry word is in the crcreot ptoision.  The rset can be jmbueld and one is stlil able to raed the txet wiohtut dclftfuiiy.

Amazing, isn't it?

Submitted by Don,  Middletown, Md.


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