Humor Additions for Wednesday, Sept 17th 2003

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Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you.

I have some Southern folks up here in Heaven who are causing some problems ...

They are swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their robes, ham hock, sparerib, and pig feet bones are all over the streets of gold. Some folks are walking around with one wing. They have been late taking their turn in keeping the stairway to heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds all over the clouds. Some of them aren't even wearing their halos, saying it is messing up their hair! The Lord said, "I made them special, as I did you, my angel. Heaven is home to all my children. If you really want to know about problems, let's call Lucifer."

The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Oh, hold on!" The Devil returned to the phone and said, "Hello Lord, what can I do for you?"

The Lord replied, "Tell me what kind of problems you are having down there." The Devil said, "Wait one minute!" and puts the Lord on Hold. After 5 minutes he returned to the phone, and said "Okay, I'm back again. Now, what was the question?"

The Lord said, "I said, what kind of problems are you having down there?".

The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this..... hold on........., Lord"!!!! This time the Devil was gone for 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk right now. These Southerners done put the fire out, and are trying to install air conditioning!"

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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A girl was visiting her blonde friend who just got two new dogs.

She asked her friend what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"Helllllll OOOooo," answered the blonde... "They're watch dogs!"

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This Ragged Flag - In memory of Johnny Cash ...

I walked through a county courthouse square
On a park bench an old man was sitting there.
I said "Your old courthouse is kinda run down."
He said "Naw, it'll do for our little town."

I said "Your flagpole has leaned a little bit,
And that's a Ragged Old Flag you got hanging on it.
He said, "Have a seat", and I sat down.
"Is this the first time you've been to our little town?"
I said, "I think it is." He said, "I don't like to brag,
But we're kinda proud of that Ragged Old Flag.

You see, we got a little hole in that flag their
When Washington took it across the Delaware.
And it got powder-burned the night Francis Scott Key
Sat watching it writing 'Oh Say Can You See'.

And it got a bad rip in New Orleans
With Packingham and Jackson tuggin' at its seams.
And it almost fell at the Alamo
Beside the Texas flag, but she waved on through.
She got cut with a sword at Chancellorsville
And she got cut again at Shiloh Hill.
There was Robert E. Lee, Beauregard, and Bragg,
And the south wind blew hard on that Ragged Old Flag.

On Flanders Field in World War I
She got a big hole from a Bertha gun.
She turned blood red in World War II
She hung limp and low by the time it was through.

She was in Korea and Vietnam.
She went where she was sent by her Uncle Sam.
She waved from our ships upon the briny foam,
And now they've about quit waving her back here at home.

In her own good land she's been abused ...
She's been burned, dishonored, denied and refused.
And the government for which she stands
Is scandalized throughout the land.

And she's getting thread-bare and wearing thin,
But she's in good shape for the shape she's in.
'Cause she's been through the fire before
And I believe she can take a whole lot more.

So we raise her up every morning,
Take her down every night.
We don't let her touch the ground
And we fold her up right.

On second thought I DO like to brag,
'Cause I'm mighty proud of that Ragged Old F

Written by Johnny Cash

And I am mighty proud to have served under her!

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport MD

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Just Doin' My Job

Sept 12th Humor Page