Humor Additions for Friday, Sept 12th 2003

    My Little Sister's Jokes > Recent Addition List

New jokes posted on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
Happily maintained  by the Community of Emmitsburg, MD.

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You Live in California when...
  • You make over $250,000, and you still can't afford to buy a house.
  • The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
  • The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
  • You know how to eat an artichoke.
  • You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
  • When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You Live in New York City when...

  • You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
  • You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
  • You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery    Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
  • You think Central Park is "nature,"
  • You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
  • You've worn out a car horn.
  • You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You Live in Maine when...

  • You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
  • Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
  • You have more than one recipe for moose.
  • Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
  • The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You Live in the Deep South when....

  • You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
  • "Ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
  • After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"
  • "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
  • Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc.

You live in Colorado when....

  • You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
  • You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, and he stops at the day care center.
  • A pass does not involve a football or dating.
  • The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You live in the Midwest when...

  • You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
  • Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
  • You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
  • You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
  • When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

You live in Florida when....

  • You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
  • All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
  • Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
  • Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
  • Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

Submitted by Kate, Columbia, MD

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Farriers' version of "He Said, She Heard"

  • He said: "I think I can help this horse."
    She heard: "I can fix this horse."
  • He said: "Here is the bill for today's services."
    She heard: "You can pay this whenever you get around to it."
  • He said: "Because of your horse's previous case history, the shoe that your vet has prescribed may not be effective for this particular problem." She heard: "The vet doesn't know what he's talking about."
  • He said: "I need for you to improve the working conditions in the shoeing area."
    She heard: "I'm too good to shoe your horses."
  • He said; "I will be out sometime next week.
    She heard: "I will definitely be there Sunday."
  • He said: "I stand behind my work."
    She heard: "...even if the shoes come off after 12 weeks."
  • He said: "That horse needs training to learn to stand for shoeing."
    She heard: "I will train him each time I come to shoe him."
  • He said: "There has been some success correcting foal limb deviations."
    She heard: "You've got a Derby winner here."
  • He said: "Hitting a horse is not the best way to teach him to stand for shoeing."
    She heard: "Give him a carrot and maybe he'll hold still."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, MD

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There are moments in life when you miss someone so much ...

... that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real! When the door of happiness closes, another opens; but often times we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one which has been opened for us. Don't go for looks; they can deceive. Don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile. Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do. May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you humble, enough hope to make you happy.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches. When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying. You may wish to send this to those who mean something to you; to those who have touched your life in one way or another; to those who make you smile when you really need it; to those who make you see the brighter side of things when you are really down, and to those whose friendship you appreciate; And if you don't, don't worry, nothing bad will happen to you; you will just miss out on the opportunity to brighten someone's day with this message.

Stay in touch with your dreams. They will always write back.

Submitted by Dolly, Myersville, MD

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What you always expected . . .

Sept 10th Humor Page