For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well.

As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled,"Up Nuts," and the patients complied by standing up.

After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts," and they all sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all broke out into applause and cheered.

When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts," and they all started booing and cat calling.

Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress.

Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world happened?"

The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"

Submitted by Tom, Fairfield, Pa.

(This note is for those outside the Garden State)

Dear Consumas:

It has come ta our attention dat a cupola copies of the WINDOWS XP NEW JOISEY EDITION may have been shipped outsida Joisey. If ya got one a dese, you may need some help unnerstanin da commands.

Da Joisey edition may be recognized by da unique openin' screen. It reads; "Windas XP" wit a background pitcha of Hoboken. When yous start da program, instead of da usual harpy stringy like music, you hear a little Springsteen. It's also shipped wit a Sopranos screen sava.

PLEASE ALSO NOTE:

• Recycle bin is labeled "Newark"
• My computer is called "My Computa"
• The Inbox is referred to as "Da Trunk"
• Deleted items are referred to as "Wacked", "Erased", or "Rubbed Out"
• Control Panel is known as "The Bosses"
• Performing an "illegal operation" is known as "enhancin da family business"
• and will actually maximize da program instead of shuttin' it down.
• Hard Drive is referred to as "Da turnpike on da way to da shore"
• Instead of an error message a "You ain't gonna believe dis" pops up

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN DA JOISEY EDITION:

• OK...........Sure ting
• Cancel......Fugetaboutit
• Reset........Start ova
• Yes............Yeah
• No..............Nah
• Find............Put a contract out on
• Browse........Get a looksee
• Back...........U-Toin
• Help...........Get your own ansa
• Stop............Knock it off
• Start............Move it
• Settings.......Here's da rules

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you mistakenly got a copy of the JOISEY EDITION.

You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WIT DAT?

(By da way, spellcheck is a nightmare wit da JOISEY edition dey still haven't worked out all da bugs)