Humor Additions for Friday, Oct 17th, 2003

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An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup ...

... and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a golfer &that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight & out golfing up and down the fairways.

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?

The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead? The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he golfed with me this morning ... and that's why he's still alive ... he's a golfer."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grand-father's still living! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 118 years old." The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?" The old timer said, "No ... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."

The doctor said in amazement, "Got married! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"

Submitted by Don, Middletown, Md.

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Glossary of Horse Terms
  • Hock: Financial condition of all horse owners.
  • Stall: What your rig does at rush hour in an unfamiliar city on the way to a big trail ride.
  • A Bit: What you have left in your pocket after youíve been to your favorite tack shop.
  • Fence: Decorative structure built to provide your horse with something to chew on.
  • Horse Auction: What you think of having after your horse bucks you off.
  • Pinto: Green coat pattern found on freshly washed light colored horses left unattended for 2 minutes.
  • Well Mannered: Hasnít stepped on, bitten, or kicked anyone for a week.
  • Rasp: Abrasive metal tool used to remove excess skin from ones knuckles.
  • Lunging: Popular training method in which a horse exercises their owner by spinning them in circles until dizzy.
  • Gallop: Customary gait a horse chooses when returning back to the barn.
  • Nicely Started: Lunges, but not enough health insurance to even think about riding him.
  • Colic: Gastro-intestinal result of eating at horse fair food stands.
  • Colt: What your mare gives you when you want a filly.
  • Easy to Load: Only takes 3 hours, 4 men, a 50lb bag of oats, and a tractor with loader.
  • Easy to Catch: In a 10x10 stall.
  • Easy Rider: Rides good in a trailer; not to be confused with "ride-able".
  • Endurance Ride: End result when your horse spooks and runs away with you.
  • Hives: What you get when receive the vet bill for your 6 horses, 3 dogs, 4 cats, and 1 donkey.
  • Hobbles: Walking gait of a horse owner after their foot has been stepped on by their horse.
  • Feed: Expensive substance used to manufacture manure.
  • Dog House: What you are in when you spend too much money on grooming supplies and pretty halters.
  • Light Cribber: We canít afford to build anymore fencing or box stalls for this buzz saw on four legs.
  • Three Gaited Horse: A horse thatÖ 1) trips, 2) stumbles, 3) falls.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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How Cold Is It Per New England Standards?
  • 60 F - Floridians wear coats, gloves and woolly hats. New Englanders sunbathe.
  • 50 F - New Yorkers try to turn on the heat. New Englanders plant gardens and drive around w/ the car windows down and radios turned up.
  • 20 F - Californians shiver uncontrollably. New Englanders have the last cookout before it gets cold.
  • 15 F - New York landlords finally turn up the heat. New Englanders throw on a "sweatah."
  • 0 F - Californians fly away to Mexico. New Englanders take in the flag.
  • -20 F - People in Miami cease to exist. New Englanders get out winter coats.
  • -100 F - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. New Englanders are frustrated because they can't thaw the keg.
  • -460 F - Atomic motion stops. New Englanders ask: "Cold 'nuff for ya?"
  • -500 F - Hell freezes over. The Boston Red Sox win the World Series

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And you thought you had lousy job ... Take 2

Oct 15th Humor Page