A woman went to the doctor's
office. Where she was seen by one of the new doctors ...
... but after about 4 minutes
in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down
An older doctor stopped her and asked what
the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he
had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway
to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, " What's the
matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown
children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was
The new doctor continued to write on his
clipboard and without looking up said, " Does she still have the
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A Dog’s Dictionary:
- Bath: A process by which humans use to
drench the floor, walls and themselves. Retaliate by shaking
vigorously and frequently.
- Bicycle: Two-wheeled human transport
device useful for dogs to control body fat or reduce boredom.
For maximum effect, hide behind a bush and upon approach of such
human-operated device, dash out, bark loudly and run alongside
for a few yards—the human will swerve and fall, thereupon you
proudly, but quickly, prance away.
- Bump-regular: The best way to get human
attention while the human is drinking a fresh cup of coffee or
tea. To execute, maneuver your snout under the arm holding the
liquid beverage. When your snout is properly positioned, with
one smooth flowing action, bounce the human’s arm upward.
- Bump-goose: A more involved maneuver
than the bump-regular, requiring that you wrap your fore paws
and legs around the human’s legs and begin climbing up the legs.
This is a last resort when the bump-regular doesn’t get the
desired attention. Please note: this advanced bump will almost
certainly cause an immediate, unintended response, and caution
- Deafness: A malady affecting dogs when
a human requests action on your part. Frequently, phrases like:
"come here", "get off", "get out" or "NO!" cause this malady.
Symptoms include staring blankly at the human, running in
opposite direction or lying down.
- Dog Bed: Any soft, clean surface, such
as a white bedspread, newly upholstered furniture, or the
human’s favorite recliner chair.
- Garbage Can: A container put out once a
week to test your overall intelligence, ingenuity and skill. To
succeed in this event, stand on your hind legs and carefully and
quietly, push the lid off with your nose. With correct
execution, you will find valuable treats inside such as Taco
Bell Wrappers, pizza boxes with moldy crusts and other
delicacies. Proper follow-through involves strewing the contents
as consistently, within the immediate area, as possible.
- Leash: A restrictive implement selected
by humans based primarily on color, style or other impractical
human criteria. This "pet restraint" attaches to your collar,
enabling you to lead your human around wherever you desire.
Please note: leading a human around on a leash can frustrate
him, so a certain amount of patience is required on your part.
- Love: A feeling of intense affection
which can vary from a simple pat on the head to a big kiss on
your snout. The best way to show your appreciation and love is
to wag your tail and jiggle your body from nose to tail.
- Sofas: A multi-purpose household object
that can be used as a dog bed (see above) or alternatively, as
what humans refer to as a "napkin." After eating, it is polite
to clean up by running your snout up and down the front of the
sofa. This will ensure removal of all food particles from your
- Thunder: A signal or potential
impending doom. Humans are curiously intrigued by this event,
yet remain amazingly calm, so it is necessary to warn them of
danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, running around in
circles, and projecting a look of panic. To keep the humans
calm, it is best to stay right on their heels during the event.
If this occurs while the humans are sleeping, it is best to jump
on their bed and wake them by walking back and forth across
- Wastebasket: Similar to garbage can
(see above), but smaller, easier to get into but not as often
filled with the same delights. Wastebaskets usually are found in
several locations throughout the human living space. These can
be used to relieve boredom while the human is away from home.
Turn over the basket and strew the contents all over the room.
Shredding paper is particularly enjoyable, yet it is uncertain
if humans truly appreciate the effort and time involved in the
Submitted by Gary, Emmitsburg, Md.
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Jokes about Animals, My Little
A man from Texas, driving a
Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce ...
at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in
the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course
"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? It's right here!" brags
The light is just about to turn green and
the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in
The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do
"Yep, got my double bed right in back
here, see?" the Texan replies.
The light turns and the man in the
Volkswagen takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to
be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and
orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.
About two weeks later, the job is finally
done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the
Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it
parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.
The windows on the Volkswagen are all
fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out
of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the
Volkswagen. The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a
crack and peeks out.
The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey, remember
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the
Texan. "What's up?"
"Check this out ... I got a double bed
installed in my Rolls."
The Texan exclaims, "You Got Me out of the
Shower to Tell Me That?!"
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Un-Categorizable Jokes, My Little
Why Men Are Scared of