My husband is 67 years
old and loves to fish ...
... He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice
say, 'pick me up."
He looked around and could not see anyone.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice again, "pick me
He looked in the water and there floating
on the top was a frog. My husband said, "are you talking to me"?
The frog said, "yes, I'm talking to you,
pick me up and kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman
you have ever seen and will give you the most wonderful pleasures
that you have ever dreamed of."
My husband looked at the frog for a short
time and then reached over and picked it up carefully, placing it
in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "are you nuts, didn't
you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you pleasures
like you have never had."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog
and said, "at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
A local business was looking for
office help and put up as sign ...
saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type,
must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an
Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a golden
retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went
inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then
walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the
idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager
looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However,
the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside,
the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The
sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the
typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out
the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then
jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the
dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the
computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with
various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database
and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was
totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize
that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting
abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of
the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign
*also* says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face
and said, .... "Meow."
The division of the human family
into its two distinct branches, liberals and conservatives ...
... occurred some 20,000 years ago.
Until then all humans
coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.
A thousand generations ago, in the pivotal
event of societal evolution, beer was invented. This epochal
innovation was both the foundation of modern civilization and the
occasion of the great bifurcation of humanity into its two
distinct subgroups. Once beer was discovered, our prehistoric
forebears decided it was time to settle down. Making beer required
grain, and securing a steady supply of it ordained the invention
of agriculture. After that was accomplished, ancient man quickly,
and unfairly, consigned actual cultivation to women. Men couldn't
just run off, willy-nilly, however. Neither the glass bottle nor
the aluminum can had yet been invented, so it was necessary to
stick pretty close to home, and the brewery. This left our male
ancestors with a lot of time on their hands, and led to the
division of the species, which persists to this day.
Some men tried to conserve remnants of the
old way of life (hence the term "conservative") by spending their
days in the open field in the dangerous pursuit of big game
animals. At night they would roast their prey at a big barbecue,
and afterwards sat around the fire drinking beer, passing wind and
telling off color jokes.
Other, more timid, souls stayed closer to
home. They are responsible for the domestication of cats and the
invention of group therapy. Mostly, they sat around worrying about
how life wasn't fair and concocting elaborate schemes to
"liberate" themselves from inequity (thus their designation as
"liberals"). In the evening they gathered around their fire,
nibbling on fruit and nuts, sharing their innermost feelings.
Today some liberals try to pretend they're
really sort of conservative, and sometimes succeed in confusing
people. The following are a few tips to use in distinguishing the
By definition liberals believe in big
government and high taxes. Life is unfair and the government is
there to do something about it. Most people are too stupid to
spend untaxed income wisely, they say, and high taxes allow
liberals in government to do a better job of it.
Conservatives don't like government, and,
aside from the military, wish it would just go away. They hate
taxes, regulations, speed limits, and small cars. Typical
conservatives are Arnold Schwarzenegger, Ronald Reagan, Rush
Limbaugh and, up there with the Big Man in the Sky, the
incomparable John Wayne.
Typical liberals are Dustin Hoffman,
Shirley McLaine, Pee Wee Herman, Martin Sheen, Sean Penn, Barbara
Streisand, Ted Turner and his former wife, the traitor Jane Fonda.
All conservatives drink beer - American
beer. Some liberals like imported beer, but most prefer white wine
or foreign water from a bottle. Liberals like to drive Volvos and
Saabs because they're made in socialist Sweden. They like to eat
weird food because it's un-American. Your basic conservative
vehicle, especially in Alaska, is the Chevy Suburban. It's big,
it's American, it's four wheel drive, and it sucks up the gas.
Conservatives eat beef, which they
(surprise!) like to barbecue.
Decorators are liberal. Liberals invented
the designated hitter rule in baseball because it wasn't "fair" to
make the poor pitcher take his turn at bat.
Conservatives, inspired by a remark of the
legendary Pittsburgh Steeler linebacker Jack Lambert, believe
quarterbacks should be required to wear skirts, so they can more
easily be distinguished from real football players.
James Brown and Ray Charles are
conservatives. Michael Jackson and Milli Vanilli are liberals.
Most social workers, personal injury
lawyers, journalists, and group therapists are liberals. Most
ranchers, loggers, professional soldiers, and steeplejacks are
Liberal jurors distrust the prosecutors
and police. Conservatives figure the defendant must be guilty or
he wouldn't be on trial.
Most conservatives not only believe in the
death penalty, they would cheerfully implement it, personally, if
called upon to do so. Liberals think capital punishment is a
barbaric relic, and unfair to boot.
Liberals believe Europeans are, generally
speaking, far more enlightened than Americans. Conservatives think
they're basically decadent, as evidenced by their complete absence
Typical conservative movies are "Raising
Arizona," "Patton," and "Conan the Barbarian." Typical liberal
movies are "Prince of Tides," "Last Tango in Paris," and "The Big
The quintessential liberal is the
handicapper, the person who decides how much extra weight to
saddle the faster horses with in order to make the race "fair."
The American cowboy, of course, is your basic, full bore
conservative. A hundred years ago an Englishman in South Dakota
was trying to find the owner of a huge cattle ranch. He rode up to
one of the ranch hands and asked, "Excuse me, but could you tell
me where to find your Master?" To which the cowboy replied, "That
sumbitch hasn't been born yet."
Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.